Aries (March 21-April 19) – For your economics project, you decide to compare the costs of having a girlfriend or just hiring a maid.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – A picture is worth a thousand words. If it’s a portrait of you, however, none of them will be complimentary.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – A girl in the bed is worth two on the dance floor.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – When you wake up the morning after a Halloween party, you’ll be dismayed to see the girl you’re with was not actually wearing a Wolfman costume.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Although you know it to be unhealthy, you can’t help but be intrigued by the girl who swallows her gum when finished.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – If your date shows up wearing an eye patch, don’t be surprised if she’s hesitant to do it with the lights off.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – When walking around campus, remember that there’s no such thing as the great pumpkin. It’s probably just a co-ed in an orange sweater.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Due to its inhibitory effects, whiskey is commonly used as a male birth control pill.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – When considering going out this weekend, just think of touring the Frat Quad as trick-or-treating for adults!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – When role playing as a gas attendant, you will be disheartened when your girlfriend pulls up to the self-service lane.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Until your recent Internet discovery, you thought your father meant he was in construction when he said he laid pipe for a living.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Remember, if you’re under 21, dress as the kid on your fake ID for Halloween!

(If you actually believe this, then you believe that subtitles count as light reading!)



Transgender Liberation: A movement whose time has come again

Leslie Feinberg called for a transgender rights movement. 33 years later, this message is more important than ever. 

An end to the madness

Every day of its relentless campaign against pro-Palestinian student voices, the University signals it is far happier to take my tuition than my message

Michael Che’s Winterfest set welcomes lackluster comedy and announces his exit from SNL

Perhaps the most notable takeaway from this is Michael Che’s statement that he may be leaving SNL. What he intends to do afterward is unknown, but I’d urge him to reconsider if he’s looking to pivot back to stand-up.