And we meet again! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another edition of Life, Love… Sport (Cocaine: The Drink! Edition). This has been a week of massive excitement, from the world of NBA to the glamorous world of tennis and the NFL. Not only did we have a former star accused of taking cocaine, but the “Game of the Century” also lived up to its billing, and cheating allegations were tossed around like hookers at a bachelor party. Frankly, at this point, if someone told me that Brett Favre was drinking the blood of infants to stay young, I’d believe it.
We start (for the first time ever) in the sleazy world of tennis. Martina Hingis retired last week because she “didn’t want to fight the drug authorities” about her alleged cocaine use. Now I’m no expert, but if you’re not even trying to deny the fact that you snort the white stuff, you’re probably a user. And not a recreational user, either – we’re talking about a hardcore cokehead. But then again, it’s doubtful that anyone will be adding cocaine to the performance-enhancers list anytime soon, seeing how it doesn’t so much enhance as distort your performance.
As for the gambling controversy, Nikolay Davydenko, the fourth-ranked player in the world and my fellow countryman, has been accused of “less than full effort” and of fixing matches. Now, as a fellow Russian, I have strong suspicions that the mob is somehow involved in this situation. Davydenko probably borrowed too much money and now the mob is trying to recoup its losses. He better be careful. Otherwise, we might wake up tomorrow to read that a body has been found floating in the Volga River.
Making its first appearance in the LLS this year, the NBA is suddenly free of controversy. What the hell? Usually the NBA is good for at least one racism or hooker-related case a year. Failing that, some gambling or cocaine always makes an appearance. Let’s pray that it won’t disappoint us this year.
In more legitimate basketball news, the Boston Celtics are well on their way to going 82-0 and winning the first championship since I’ve lived there. Also, Kevin Garnett is a beast. He was so amped for the first game that he almost broke the backboard with his first jumper. Then he calmly went out to pour in 20 points and 20 rebounds. What a man.
It also seems that Steve Nash is starting to suck again, which isn’t surprising because he is a Canadian. Just kidding (or am I?).
I hate Coco Crisp.
I’m sad to report that the USF Fightin’ Bulls have dropped their third straight game to fall to 6-3 on the season. This is probably a lost season, but at least they’re going to a bowl game, which is exactly the purpose of the LLS Bandwagon team. And if you haven’t noticed, the Nebraska Cornhuskers gave up 76 points last week, and yet Bill Callahan still has a job. What a delightful paradox.
Here at the LLS, we will be putting odds on which team will play for the National Championship. We start with the Ohio State Buckeyes. As much as we don’t want to see them back, it’s doubtful that they will lose to anyone in the Big Ten. They’re 7-2 favorites to be in the big game. As for the second team, we at the LLS endorse the Oregon Ducks, mainly because no one likes LSU and Dennis Dixon is an exciting athlete. So they open at 6-1 odds of making the title game.
The Pats won! This is good news because I would’ve had $10 on the game (you know, if gambling was legal). Plus, the Colts had artificial noise pumped into the RCA dome. How pathetic; if you can’t get people to be loud in a dome, you shouldn’t have a team to begin with.
This controversy might give Greg Esterbrook something else to complain about besides how evil the Patriots are. Honestly, that guy has gotten to be insufferable. I used to read his column every week until he started to see an NFL conspiracy in everything that the Patriots did. It’s time for him to start writing about something else
In other news; Travis Henry has been suspended for four games for smoking weed and getting caught (again). He’s the same guy who fathered nine kids by several different women. Apparently, weed doesn’t promote smart decisions – who knew? I leave you with one final quote from the late, great Rick James: “Cocaine is a hell of a drug.”
Final Fact:
Baseball rules were codified in 1846 by Alexander Cartwright of the Knickerbocker Baseball Club.
Maystrovsky’s article appears weekly. Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.
