Welcome to the LLS, where the grass is a hell of a lot greener. Thanks for reading Life, Love… Sport (Gangster Edition). This past week gave every baseball fan a taste of what to expect for the next three years. Namely, an AL sweep in the World Series, perhaps by the Boston Red Sox. Exactly how bad were the Rockies? I’m glad you asked. They were awful. In fact, they were so bad that fans were openly scalping Game 4 tickets to random Sox fans on the street. I believe even Rudy Giuliani even got a ticket. As for the Patriots, they keep on rolling; apparently the Redskins weren’t nearly half as good as Clinton Portis proclaimed. It got so wacky at the end of the game that even Matt Cassel “The Gazelle” ran a 15-yard touchdown. If you thought that the Pats-Colts game would get tons of coverage in today’s issue, you should be going to Harvard.
What a historic day in the life of the Red Sox. By winning their second championship in four years, they’re definitely better than the Yankees. Speaking of the Yankees, that scumbag A-Rod decided to announce that he hates New York during Game 4. Is there a bigger asshole in all of sports? That’s a new low, even for a guy who hires prostitutes in Toronto (pretty damn skanky prostitutes, we might add). I hate A-Rod.
Coming back to the Red Sox, it’s time that we all come to the same conclusion – Jonathan Papelbon is a crazy mofo. That being said, I think he’s probably my favorite player on the team. His overall skills, combined with the fact that he does an Irish jig without fearing that people will call him names, makes him a hero in my book. Maybe he could tone down the craziness just a tad. You know, to prevent burnout. Other than that, I have no complaints. As long as Coco Crisp has nothing to do with this team, I’ll be a happy man. With all our starters potentially under the age of 30 next year, it’s a fine day to be a Red Sox fan.
As for the team that plays with the skins of pigs, all was good in the House of Brady. Not only did Tommy boy continue his assault on the aerial record books, but the rushing records might not be as safe as we thought. Brady (possibly the slowest white guy ever) ran for two touchdowns. That’s impressive. Even more impressive is the beatdown that was given out. A score of 52-7 is just absurd. If I were the Redskins, I’d just forfeit, just leave the field. The vaunted Redskins defense was pathetic. I even felt bad for approximately 10 seconds. If Tom Brady doesn’t win MVP of the NFL this year, I’ll be very mad, and you don’t want to see me mad (just ask Jos at the Waltham Dunkin Donuts. I hate you, Jos).
For the Pats-Colts matchup, I don’t foresee problems for New England. I hardly think that Bob Sanders and whoever else plays defense for the Colts will be able to slow down Randy Moss and Wes Welker and Donte Stallworth and Lawrence Mauroney and Tom Brady. It’s just not possible. Plus, and maybe this is just me, I don’t fear Peyton Manning anymore. Maybe it’s because all of those commercials that he’s been putting out, but I don’t have the same sense of dread when he changes the play at the line of scrimmage for the bazillionth time. Or maybe it’s just that Mike Vrabel can both tackle people and catch touchdowns. Either way, the Patriots will roll right along, giving everyone on the 1972 Dolphins team a heart attack, and it’s about time – those guys are old and really annoying at this point.
With some sad news, I give you the demise of the USF Fightin’ Bulls. With their loss to Connecticut, USF has put the final nail in their coffin. While they will go to a bowl game this season, the Sugar Bowl is probably out of question, unless miracles happen. On the bright side, quarterback Matt Grothe has established himself as the premiere signal-caller in the conference, which could set him up for a Heisman Trophy run next year.
I know what you’re all thinking: “Damn son, you promised us a patron saint of the LLS ever since Jennifer Morrison’s term expired.” Let it be known that I fully intended to follow through and give you a patron saint for the year. And now I present to you (drumroll please)… Kaley Cuoco. That’s right, the chick who played the hottie in “8 Simple Rules” and who now stars as the dim-witted yet fantastically gorgeous waitress in “The Big Bang Theory” takes the crown this year. I hope y’all will enjoy this just as much as I will.
Pro golfer Wayne Levi was the first PGA pro to win a tournament using a colored ball. He did it in the Hawaiian Open in 1982.
Maystrovsky’s article appears weekly. Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.