Welcome back one and all to another week of Life, Love… Sport (Balls-Out Edition). This week was packed with all sorts of exciting news in the world of sports, including (but not limited to) Dice-K kicking ass and taking names, A-Rod not getting booed at home, Pacman Jones not being allowed to play next year, Kevin Durant taking cash over classes and Jonathan Papelbon staring daggers into opposing hitters yet again. Lots to cover, let’s get going.

Is there anyone more ecstatic over the fact that Dice-K took a hammer to the Royals line-up? They broadcast the game live in Japan – at 3 a.m.! The only time I ever woke up that early was that time I had to go on vacation to Cancun.

The best part of watching him was seeing how calm he was. Even after giving up a lead-off single, Dice-K looked as cool as a cucumber. Of course, it was the Royals, and they are projected to lose close to 100 games this year, but I figure if he can duplicate that performance 15 more times this year, the Red Sox should be in good shape, which brings us to our next point. Papelbon started closing again this year due to the fact that the team had no one else to do the job and because he genuinely wants to be back there. Most people I know would rather get the glory and attention of being a 20-game winner than a 40-game save artist, but he’s a tad different.

He’s also very intimidating. Striking out three guys on 95 mph heaters was a thing of beauty. Too bad Joe Morgan and Jon Miller were too busy having awkward conversations about race in the MLB to notice.

Adam Jones was suspended for a year by the NFL for his arrest record. From now on, he loses his nickname. You are not allowed to have a nickname while sitting around. The best part about his suspension is that he has to remain clean of any arrests for an entire year. I’m actually willing to bet my house that it won’t happen. In fact, I challenge anyone to give me one good reason why it won’t happen. This is going to be a bigger disaster than that time they let the Mayor of Cincinnati throw out the ceremonial first pitch.

For the first time in years, Yankee fans aren’t booing A-Rod out of the building. How odd. Just wait until he commits four errors in three games before you pronounce the marriage a success. In other baseball news, the Cleveland Indians had to move their home games to Milwaukee for the week. Someone dropped the ball on that one. I blame global warming. If it’s really going to happen, then happen already. I don’t have the time to wait. Also at fault: whoever was in charge of the scheduling computers. No one thought that perhaps with the crazy weather that we have been having that it might be within the realm of possibility for snow in April? I guess I would be angrier if my favorite team was involved.

Welcome to the NBA, Kevin Durant! He sure did leave Texas in a hurry. None of my friends thought he was staying. You would have to be an idiot to pass up $20 million in guaranteed money. However, I still say that Greg Oden will be a better pro than Durant. Have you seen that guy? Durant looks chronically malnourished. And, while Oden does need to pack on a few more pounds himself, it’s much easier to be seven feet tall and a bit underweight in the NBA. Remember a guy named LeMarcus Aldridge? He, too, was supposed to be a superstar coming out of Texas, now he is out for the season with heart problems after averaging nine points per game for a terrible Portland team.

The list is back! Don’t worry, it didn’t go anywhere. This week marks the first time in LLS history that I will be putting hockey on the list. Probably the last time too. Here are teams we like (in no particular order):

Detroit Red Wings: It feels good to know that the best player on the team is a Russian and that in goal is an old, overpaid injury artist. Almost reminds me of 1997.

Pittsburgh Penguins: A Russian playing an integral part? A Canadian leading the team? Exciting. Also exciting is the fact that this team kind of sounds like a Red Wings team I used to watch.

San Jose Sharks: I’m going to go ahead and confess that Evgeni Nabokov is the only reason I have an interest in this team. He’s the man. Man enough to take them to the Stanley Cup? Perhaps.

Final Fact:

In 1939, Erneset Vincent Wright published a novel called “Gadsby,” containing 50,110 words, none of which contained the letter ‘e.’ (Calm down, I’m just low on sports facts).

Maystrovsky’s article appears weekly.Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.

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