Aries (March 21-April 19) – April showers bring May flowers. Of course, the lazy summer days of June and July are best spent de-flowering.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – After looking over Chase Bank’s ‘screw over students’ account policies, you decide Chase banking fits in perfectly with the other UR services of dining and parking.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Remember, while an oversized sweat suit and a ponytail may be “comfy,” your future children would appreciate it if you put in some effort and threw on some mascara.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – As a taken gentleman, you always say, why eat burgers when you have steak at home? My advice is to remember that steak isn’t as good without something on the side.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – If you are unsure how to perform a self breast exam, you can go to UHS or the Fraternity Quad and get some professional help.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – It was love at first sight when you went to the circus and saw the female sword-swallower.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – After three dates and not so much as a kiss, you begin to question what you heard about track girls being fast.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – It’s interesting that despite the inflation rates, your input is still only worth two cents.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Ladies, with Easter right around the corner, you have to be extra careful to keep your eggs safe.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Why is it that the female librarian in the periodicals room always seems so cranky?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – The best thing about using the sink as a urinal is that you can flush and wash your hands at the same time!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – As you walk around campus, you see many girls wearing the same rubber boots you wore in kindergarten. You never realized how trashy you looked at only four years old.
(If you actually believe this then you believe bunnies lay chocolate eggs.)