Food is great. And as a gluttonous American who indulges in some winter blubber insulating, I try to enjoy the delectable process of gently cramming sustenance into my gullet. And for this reason, I am grossly disappointed with the everyday condiments strewn on restaurant tables. Who decided that salt, pepper, ketchup and sugar should be the mainstays of food enhancement? To be honest, the answer is most likely five oranges.

I propose a new world order. Let us abandon our deadweight spices and bottled crap and come up with an original New Kids on the Block of spices to really evoke super delicious supremeness. I crave something profound. Just a warning, I might shock some pansy pallets.

First, I propose that ranch dressing be a part of the pack. Although ranch dressing does not socialize well with some foods, it can at least obliterate the taste of a pungently grotesque meal. So, if you’re on a date with an investment banker or swimsuit model that so happens to cook you dinner and also so happens to be a three-toed sloth, then you can at least choke down your scraps with this condiment. Just a side note, that green stuff on the back of that sloth is probably algae and not crme brulee.

Men will know what I’m talking about on this one. Bacon bits are quite possibly one of the most fantastic sides to any meal. A true beastly man-meal would be bacon bits with burnt rubber on the side and a glass of human blood. These delightful nuggets are usually vegetarian anyways and can coax the salty succulence out of any dish.

The next new wave condiment could certainly, if you pardon the concocted, nonsensical expression, shoot the moose. Pop Rocks crack the air with a startling burst. They most definitely should have a place of residence in this crew. Although delicious, their true role would be to avoid awkward absences of sound. Picture no awkward meals again with the spouse or pet or pet as a spouse for those readers from Las Vegas where anything is legal. A beautiful, however less entertaining, sight.

There are some resources this county loves to exploit, like oil and Ryan Seacrest. Yet there is one resource we have yet to utilize to its cataclysmic abilities. That most undoubtedly would be strawberry syrup. Strawberry syrup could do so much more for this world and remains an underachiever in my eyes. The way I see it, strawberry syrup is that Baldwin brother that rarely appears in films, but when he does, people remark, “Oh that Baldwin brother tastes amazing on vanilla ice cream.”

As you can see, I have only begun to suggestively paw at the surface of this complex dilemma. Hopefully, you might find this article useful as an inspiration for new recipes or a new dietary method that will surely inspire your aorta to implode. To all, I wish “Good Eatin’s” this semester.

Honorable mention: Tartar sauce, the goo inside of Stretch Armstrong, lemon juice, feta cheese, minced Captain Crunch, paprika (the James Dean of spices), and the guy who played Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump.”

Stahl is a member of the class of 2009.

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