Aries (March 21-April 19) – Academic productivity on campus will increase by 65 percent this week following the PanHellenic decision to remove sorority members from Facebook.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – After a beautiful November and December, Rochester is finally showing its true colors: White and Grey.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – If you are taking all intro classes, don’t have class three days a week, and haven’t bought books, you might have Senioritis. Don’t worry, you still don’t have to use condoms.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – A good New Year’s resolution is to get a higher GPA, unless of course you have above a 3.5. Then a good resolution is to get a higher BAC.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You probably think building a snow penis in front of Wilson Commons is a bad idea. Well, save the idea until Saturday night, then reconsider.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Now that it is getting cold out, many people will be getting sick. Wash your hands, drink plenty of OJ, and don’t forget that antibiotics affect birth control.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Your date this weekend will suddenly take a turn for the worst when you find out everything you said was passed through lie detection software.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – After a terrible skiing accident in which you break both your legs, the doctor will say you will never be able to do stand up comedy again.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Rumor has it Britney Spears is pregnant. Oops, she must have done it again, and again, and again?.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – It’s almost time for what all sport fanatics and hippies dream about: the Super Bowl.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – After watching “24”, you will stop quoting your schedule and telling people “how bad your Wednesdays are.”
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Now that you’ve been to each of your classes, it’s time to drop/add courses based on the number of attractive classmates, number of tests/papers, and relevance to your major, in that order, of course.
(If you actually believe this, then you Believe it costs $200 to print a chemistry book.)