Aries (March 21-April 19) – After a trip to the doctor, it will be official. In nine short months, your girlfriend will be a milf!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. The same goes for dweebs and keg parties.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – You always thought that ignorance was bliss. The judge handling your public urination case thinks differently.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – All work and no play made Jack a dull boy, but at least he got into medical school.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – When people get hurt in the gym trying to lift too much weight, they’re always embarrassed. However, they’re not as embarrassed as you’ll be when you fall over using the stationary bike.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – For most people, a test on Friday means no going to the bar on Thursday. For you, it means failing the test!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – The graphics for X-Box 360 are so good, sometimes you think the games are real life. Lucky for you, the other people at the intervention realize they are not.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Some say laughter is the best medicine. I wouldn’t take it for an asthma attack, though.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – That Adderall your friend got you didn’t seem right, but you took it anyway. Now you’re having even more trouble studying as you try to get rid of your constant erections.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – One more week and it will finally be that magical day of the year. Thanksgiving, the day you can finally put up your killer Christmas decorations.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – As you walk back from Todd Union through the rain and sleet, you can’t help but think, your parents are taunting you with a care package full of Sunny-D.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – This week you will finally win a 50/50 raffle. Unfortunately, you’re the only person involved so you’ll just lose half your money.