The first in a series of New York Senatorial debates between Hillary Clinton and Some Other Guy was held in Strong Auditorium on Friday, Oct. 20. Despite the debate’s location on campus at UR, students were not allowed in to watch.The anti-student sentiment was divided, along party lines, into two camps. Some Other Guy didn’t want to let students into the debate for fear of shattering his anonymity, while Hillary maintained that she would be contaminated by the “troglodyte masses.”A spokesman for Hillary’s campaign, Ralph Hugglesworth, said “the students smell, seriously, really bad.” The Hillary campaign was fearful that the “student body odor” would be strong enough to overwhelm Hillary’s weak immune system. Unruly odors are rumored to make Hillary’s eyes bug out even more than usual, causing her to look like the Grand High Witch from “Witches.””We need to protect Hillary’s face. That being our foremost concern, we couldn’t let students into the debate,” Hugglesworth said. “I mean we would let them in if they would practice proper hygiene, but the student body must realize that perfect pinch is not a substitute for toilet paper.”In response to these accusations, student Regina March responded, “You know I’d wipe my ass, but the quality of the dorm TP is lacking. And I know a lot of student complaints start with ‘For $40,000, you think they could afford – blank,’ but seriously, I’m not going to wipe my ass with sandpaper.” Senior activist Ruben Albright, of the SA funded group Renegades of Funk, agreed that the dorm toilet paper was a bit rough, but said that it was just a scapegoat for the real issue at hand. “This is blatant discrimination,” Albright said. “Our funk is who we are. If you can’t stand to smell me, how can you represent me?”When news of the student backlash reached Hillary, she had this to say: “They’re students – nobody gives a shit what they think anyway. They don’t matter. I could probably kill one of them and get away with it.”While Hillary’s ban on students’ entrance to the debate was personal, Some Other Guy didn’t want to let students in for political reasons. Representatives from Some Other Guy’s campaign were nervous about him receiving more name recognition. “We are running a very unconventional campaign here,” Chairman of Some Other Guy’s Campaign Dick Saunders said. “Our whole platform is based on nobody knowing who Some Other Guy is.”Saunders went on to say that like the most, they vote for who they dislike the least. “If the people of New York don’t know who This Guy is, how can they hate him? The only reason the public hates Hillary is because she has a name and a face. I bet you would like her if you didn’t know her.” Saunders added that if they had let students into the debate, Some Other Guy would have gotten a huge surge of publicity, which would have had catastrophic effects on his chances for victory.Some Other Guy’s strategy seems to be paying off with the student body. It seems as though the students didn’t really want to go to the debate anyway. “I really needed to study for my orgo test, so I was glad that I wasn’t allowed into the debate,” Shawn Richards said. “I’m a student. I’m selfish and apathetic. Besides Hillary, I don’t even know who’s running for Senate.”The Funyon appears in the first issue of every month.Rudolph is a Take 5 student.
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