Aries (March 21-April 19) – If you have trouble using a condom, just think of how your seventh grade teacher rolled one onto a banana. Of course, instead of a banana, imagine a baby carrot.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – This week, I have great news for you! I just saved a bunch of money on my food purchases by switching to theft!

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – My mother always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Guess I should keep your horoscope to myself then.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Money can’t buy love. You have to barter and trade for it with expensive gifts.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – After hours of trick or treating, your room will resemble an amazing Candyland. Better stay away from the fudge.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – This week you’ll be lucky your parents always said to look both ways before crossing the street. Unfortunately, they never told you to stop if a car comes.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You’ve never enjoyed being a virgin, but you really started to regret it when you lit that candle on Halloween and three evil witches came back to life.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Isn’t it ironic that what your grandmother always said would make you blind actually took one of your girlfriend’s eyes out?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – After getting your most recent Econ test back, you will be surprised to find that Lebanon’s chief exports are not ping-pong balls and plastic cups.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You know, if everyone were as pretty as supermodels they wouldn’t be so hot. Thanks for keeping them beautiful.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – I don’t know if honesty is the best policy, but it sure beats UR’s alcohol policy.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – If your girlfriend is looking for acne medication, suggest the birth control pill. It has great side-effects like breast enlargement and contraception.

(If you actually believe this, then you think Daylight Savings is a bank.)

Acta, non verba

You bring the University value and add the dollar signs to the piece of paper they sell to thousands of families every year. Without you, this school is worthless. 

What’s the Buzz? Bross speaks on Bee Campus certification

Becoming Bee Campus certified gives the University more points on the STARS program, which assigns ratings to campuses for their sustainable efforts.

Letter to the Editor: accusations of plagiarism against University professor

The pattern of plagiarism and misrepresentation does not suggest simply making a careless omission of a reference or two.