Aries (March 21-April 19) – Dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Guys like what, what, what. Let me see that Computer Studies and Biological and Medical Engineering building. What’d you expect? Thongs? You whale tail, you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Hot tea, iced tea. Anyone every serve luke warm generally room temperature tea? Probably, but consider this – they were thinking outside the box. Imagine what you could do thinking outside the box. Other than, of course, waving at the silly people inside the box.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Remember, life is going to throw you curveballs, you can’t avoid them, you can only deal with them as they come. You can’t anticipate them, but you can control a response and anticipate a reaction. What does all this mean? Keep your feet on the ground, shoulder width apart, in the ready position, figuratively of course.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Feel like you’re drowning? You have powerful and useful people all around you to help you breathe. You’re not alone just because you’re on your own.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Collect bottle caps, seize them all. Then, take a huge severance package from Coca-Cola because all these bottles, but no caps. Yeah, that’s a pretty tight scheme to take over the world.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Seriously though, I saw a funny joke on TV today. I will try to describe it, but fail miserably because of the visuals that will be lacking – haha, had to be there.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You are my favorite.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Play with boxes, because they are fun, they are so useful, they are so boxy. Intriguing, stare into something corkscrewy and dizzying.Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Sorry about Valentine’s Day this year. I wasn’t really looking out for you. Here, have a rose, ~~~8~@
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Stop hitting people you baboon. No one wants to get hit, well, unless you’re one of those people on SVU. By the way, I’m still waiting for an SUV SVU.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Get your robot insurance this week.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) -Buy a mule. Feed it bananas. Name it Bingo. Well, I hope you and your banana-eating mule Bingo are very happy together.
(If you actually believe this, then you believe that the second divorce between Eminem and Kimberley Mathers will be resolved peacefully and without a painful custody battle over Hallie.)