Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – This week, you get the public service horoscope. Tell the Corner Store to start carrying things that meet the following requirements. 1) Taste good and are fresh. 2) Don’t suck. I’m not bitter, I only use bitterness for comic relief. I heart Pasta Anytime. I mean, it’s pasta, only anytime.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – If you want to play a dirty trick, tie your friend up and put them in a closet and feed them only turkey but no cranberry sauce, hahaha.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Don’t you wish that you had a really nice screwdriver? No? Me neither. Now that we have something in common, come on over and hang out.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – It’s that time of year! Yup, Blichtenspaagen weekend is upon us. Get your knockwurst, sauerkraut and feathered caps ready for the big hullabaloo this Saturday. Practice your ventriloquism.Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Be sure to smile a lot. Smiling can really make people look at you funny, so practice in the mirror first. Smiling also makes people happy, and happy people melt the clouds away.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – One, two, three – cha, cha, cha. Catorce? It is your job to tell Bono this week, that although he may be cool, he is not yet cool enough to rearrange the counting system.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Try and beat minesweeper this week. If you can’t, don’t feel bad – it is never worth it. Pick yourself up and do some studying! Yay, studying.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Your challenge this week is a difficult one. Invent a way to write lower case numbers. Ancient Greek philosophers could do it, why can’t you?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You’re fired. Haha, just kidding. The Donald paid me millions to promote his show, “The Apprentice.” Seriously, The Donald, this is a not a pro bono horoscope.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – I hate probability, so calculate the odds that I use the word bono twice in this set of horoscopes. Uh, you’ll have a good week.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Learn to play the accordion really well. If you do, I will buy you a hot dog cart and a little pet monkey wearing a miniature fez. Name him Mr. Livingston.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Learn to swim. But here’s the catch – you have to do it underwater. Try breathing in between swimming and not swimming. Can you do it with your eyes closed?
(If you actually believe this, then you’ve been drinking too much eggnog.)