Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Pick up the phone and call that friend of yours who you’ve been neglecting to keep in touch with. Don’t take that buddy’s failure to call you personally. It’s likely that your friends are just as busy as you are.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Put aside your selfish ways and help someone out. You’ll be glad next time you need someone to bail you out. Oh yeah, going to jail is also in your future, so make sure you have some bail money stashed under your mattress.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Ok, so even though you think wearing your Captain Planet T-shirt to class every day is a great way to find potential dates, that opinion isn’t shared by everyone.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Here’s a good idea. Send in an application to be on MTV’s “Made.” You’d make an excellent beauty queen with a little work.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Run for political office. Hey, it’s a hot thing to do these days.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Take the hint from your worn out body and get some rest. Partying every night of the week is taking its toll.

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Your luck is divine and you know it. Things always fall into place for you, so take advantage of your good luck and buy a lottery ticket or something. Or try something new like skydiving. You’re a thrill-seeker too. Your good luck and craziness go hand-in-hand.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Sometimes it’s best to let go. Holding on to that old flame will only hurt you in the long run. Besides, there are plenty of fish in the sea, many of whom are dying for a date with you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Don’t let people walk all over you so much. Sticking up for yourself doesn’t automatically make you a bitch. In fact, it will even keep you from being someone else’s bitch.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You’re great and the people around you know it. It’s time for you to finally realize it yourself.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Throw a party. You’ve always had a knack for getting people together and ensuring all your pals have a great time.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Throw aside your conservative ways and have some fun for once. Going out won’t kill you, and chilling out and loosening up might actually put you in a better mood.

(If you actually believe this, you’re probably also a big supporter of the Home Shopping Network. This is not to be taken seriously.)

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