I take my unpaid, time-consuming job as a Campus Times humor columnist very seriously. In fact, it is my duty to educate readers. In this article, I will attempt to educate you all on UR’s long history of great traditions.
There is a tradition that dates back to the very beginning of the university. It is called Commencement. Other fine traditions include Convocation, Boar’s Head and, of course, everyone’s favorite, Dandelion Day.
Some traditions do not date back as far but are every bit as important. Meliora Weekend is one such example.
Not to devalue anything, but there is one tradition that far surpasses any of those listed above – aside from D-Day, of course. Actually, it is a given that D-Day is the greatest day of the year.
However, the tradition of which I speak celebrates all that is good and just and truthful in the world. It is the Annual Chipotle Burrito 226.13 Mile Drive.
For one Sunday a year, Cleveland, Ohio ceases to be the Mistake on the Lake. It ceases to be dank and dirty and clandestine. It ceases to be, as William Julius Wilson implied in his book “Social Change and Social Dislocations in the Inner City,” the second most dangerous city in America.
Cleveland becomes, in the words of Chris and Jon, the Land of Cleve. The place where dreams come true and the sun always shines and people are always smiling.
Cleveland, Ohio houses the closest Chipotle to Rochester, “Gateway to Buffalo,” N.Y. For everyone who does not understand why we drove a total of 452.26 miles just for burritos, you have got to try these.
They are an addiction – much better than heroin. Not that I have done heroin.
But that is beside the point. The real point of this article is to tell you about the list Jon, Chris and I made about our journey. This will help you get a perspective on our annual Sunday drive and perhaps convince you to take one next year.
25 burritos bought
10 CDs listened to on the road
9 burritos for lunch – quite a feat if you have ever seen them
8 total times through the Chipotle burrito line
7 large roadkill sightings
6 state police pullovers
5 wild turkey sightings
4 hours from hell – school – to heaven – chipotle
3 states crossed
2 sides of guacamole
1 gimongous box of burritos
Please remember, this is an important tradition. Keep it alive.
Oh, and for everyone who thinks I have a drinking problem, you should go to Cleveland. All the people in the restaurant were drinking beers – notice the plural form of the object – with their burritos.
The entire city has a drinking problem. It is so bad that they will not serve liquor until after 1 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon.
We have decided to break Cleveland from this destructive habit. The city of Cleveland needs an intervention.
So we should all get together, go over there next month, sit the entire city down and say, “Cleveland, the reason we came here today. . .”
Haber can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.