Aries (March 21-April 19) – While the stars indicate that your luck is good, any time it snows in March is a good sign someone or something has it out for you. I’d recommend that you stay indoors for the next couple weeks.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Class registration is coming up, be kind to yourself, and don’t schedule any classes in the mornings. And by mornings I mean earlier than 3 p.m.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Remember that you can never be too careful. Strap pillows to your legs and face in case you trip and fall. Also, avoid stairs as much as possible.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Take a week off worrying. Anything that you’re worried about now, you can worry about twice as much next week.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – I hope you like surprises.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You and I share something special. A Zodiac sign.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – The stars spell dancing for you Libras, whether it be Dance Dance Revolution or some ballroom dance courses, get your groove on.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Every cloud has a silver lining. Silver is actually one of the most poisonous substances known to man. Do with that information what you will.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) – Do something great this week. It’s not like you’ve done anything great yet. Build a robot, cure a disease, or clean up your room – anything to make a positive difference in the world.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Whenever times get you down, look around, and say to yourself, “At least Michael Moore didn’t mock me in front of all of my peers.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Never trust a Pisces. They were born rotten to the core, and everything they say and do is pure lies. Filthy, dirty lies. Like, if you work in a restaurant, and someone orders pasta, and then you bring it out to them and then they say that they ordered a steak, and get all angry, you can bet that they’re a Pisces. And when they’re nice to your face, it’s because all they do when you aren’t around is talk about you behind your back. Additionally, they all have herpes.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Man, what’s with Aquarius this week? You were just trying to be polite, and Aquarius just got all in your face. The nerve of some people.
(If you actually believe this, then your shoes are untied. Made you look. This is not to be taken seriously.)