Aries (March 21-April 19) – It’s time to dye your hair, believe it or not. Try a color that no one will expect. By the way, it’s cheaper and more fun to have your friend do it for you over the bathroom sink. Good luck with that.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – There is really no reason not to shoot spitballs at people all the time. Without a risk, there can be no gain.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – How many porcelain baby dolls will it take to give you recurring nightmares this week? Just the one, really. But if you crush it, it can’t haunt you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – If you don’t like math homework, don’t do it. No one can make you. It’s not like they’re your mom or anything.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – This week, your mom will make you do your math homework. Even the parts that are hard. Don’t resist it! It’s in the stars.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Bored? Doing laundry in the building where Beth Haber lives at the same time as she’s doing hers? Check out Beth Haber’s column on page 14 for a really good idea about how to entertain yourself. For bonus points, incorporate mice.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Isn’t that Periodical Reading Room in the library a really creepy place? It’s about time someone wreaked some havoc in there. Get on that, Libra. People doing homework are far less important and interesting than people who like their air guitar loud.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – I just thought of a great April Fool’s joke for you to do, Scorpio. Switch the seven and the eight keys on someone’s keyboard. They’ll never be able to figure out why their seven key is making eights and their eight key is making sevens. The joke will be on them, will it not?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) – Isn’t it so cool that your zodiac symbol is an archer? And just when you thought it couldn’t get any cooler, he’s a centuar as well! Fire at will, little horse-man!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You’d be surprised how much money you can make solely by betting people that you won’t eat things.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – I was going to give you a real horoscope, but I needed to fill some more lines. Have fun figuring it out on your own, loser.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Why not get into a fistfight this week?
