Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — Orion’s in the north sky, so that means your birthday’s coming up. Put some icing on your nose and make a wish!
Aries (March 21-April 19) — Stop fake tanning and pretending your bronze skin is natural. Go to the beach over spring break, and get what everyone at UR needs — a little endorphins from the sun.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) — Bring a date to Pellegrino’s this Friday night and fall in love over an eggplant parmesan sub.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) — Party in ‘da club … only if you’re lucky. But if you carry 50 cents in your pocket, then you’ll be smiling all week.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) — Start keeping a “happy journal” of anything that makes you smile. Here’s a couple to get you started — reading your horoscope in the Campus Times, hot cocoa with marshmallows and an intense game of Pictionary.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) — If it’s sunny outside, then spend the afternoon studying in Wilson Commons. Well, we all know you won’t really be studying, but at least you’ll be getting some rays. Maybe we’ll even have a heat spell this weekend, in which case you should go outside and enjoy it.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — This week you’ll have a day where you’ll be a little giddy all day long for no apparent reason.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) — Take the time out of your busy day and watch some old re-runs — perhaps an old “Seinfeld” episode, like the one where Kramer tucks in the little Japanese men in the drawers so they can sleep.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — You’ll soon discover a new city that you love. Maybe you’ll discover this new love over spring break. Maybe a trip to Toronto is all you’ll need.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) — Play a game of Kings with your friends this weekend. Trust me, you’ll be bonded before the night is over and you will start the night off on the right foot.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Keep at the gym — who knows, maybe Coach Neer will choose you to be the sixth man on the basketball team. And if not, then at least you’ll win your intramural game next week. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Pop your collar and try loosening up a little. Word on the street is that you’re taking life a little too seriously. You can start by traying behind Susan B. Anthony.
(If you actually believe this, you’re worse off than we had imagined. This is not to be taken seriously.)