Through my column last year, I led you all to believe that all the stupid things I do are the result of alcohol consumption. Not just regular alcohol consumption, but binge drinking. Granted, drinking copious amounts of alcohol does tend to put me in compromising, yet funny, situations.

But considering the disapproving glances I get from faculty as I walk across campus, I figured I would keep these articles G-rated for a few weeks. Not that I don’t have plenty of stories highlighting my sober stupidity.

You know how people have nightmares about embarrassing situations? Well, I actually had one of those nightmares come true over the summer!

My friends and I went to the local Six Flags at the very end of summer.

I had not been feeling too well the night before or when I woke up that morning, but I figured I would shake it off. So I ate some raisin bran, and took off for the amusement park.

My friend Danny had the notion in his head that we absolutely had to go on every roller coaster twice ? once in the front and once in the back. What a stupid idea. Things were going great until we got to the last roller coaster. After the second time, we all stumbled towards the benches holding our stomachs.

A few minutes later, I accompanied one of my friends to the first aid tent, so he could get something to settle his stomach. As soon as we walked in, my eyes fell on a gigantic cooler full of water. All I could think was “Oh my God! Free water!” I drank until no more would fit, and I happily sloshed back to the benches.

When I got back, Michelle and I got on “The Avalanche.” The boys do not like that ride because it squishes their nuts. There was no way they could foresee their good luck.

The ride started and everything was fine. Halfway through, the operator slowed things down to devilishly ask if we wanted more torture ? unbearable, stomach wrenching torture. My screams of “No no no no!” were drowned out by everyone else’s screams of “yes.”

Once again, we were being flipped every which way. I looked at Michelle, then I turned to the girl next to me and promptly puked all over her. Then Michelle and I laughed. Then I puked again. Then we laughed again. This went on until the end of the ride when I dashed off to avoid the embarrassing situation of being face to face with the girl.

However, I did manage to hear her say to her friends, “That girl next to me must have just been on a water ride because she got me all wet.” I wonder what she thought the raisin bran was?

I learned two very important lessons from this experience. One, do not drink water before going on “The Avalanche.” Two, next time someone at an amusement park drips on you, do not assume it was because they just got off a water ride.

On an unrelated note, a squirrel fell on my car last Friday evening.

Yes, I know that is not a stupid thing that I have done, but it was too good to not tell. I was driving underneath a tree, and a squirrel just fell out of it and landed on the hood of my car. I would like to think that I saved its life by breaking its fall ? however, I think we all know the truth.

Next time, I promise I will write about my stupid drunken escapades.

Haber can be reached at bhaber@campustimes.org.



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