Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) ? See what you did? This is why we can’t have nice things. Go to your room right now mister.
Libra (Sept. 23?Oct . 22) ? Your friend will finally convince you that “Snow Dogs” is worth seeing. And he’ll be right! So, so right.
Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) ? Count all the things in your room that are delicious. Now give them to me.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec 21) ? Sometimes, if you love something, you have to let it go. These words will take on a special meaning next week when you lose that arm you seem to be so attached to. Ouch!
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) ? Your past will return to haunt you when doctors discover that half-formed twin lodged in your side. Name him Jerry.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) ? Be careful how you store your shrinking machine, you wouldn’t want to send your kids on a whimsical yet stirringly poignant adventure in the backyard. They’d have to sleep in a Lego!
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) ? Tired of living a lie? Take off the fake-glasses-and-nose combo. That wasn’t so hard, was it?
Aries (March 21?April 19) ? The Campus Times is watching you, and frankly, you excite us.
Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? In Soviet Russia, horoscope reads you! My suggestion? Many pillows.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) ?One door may be closing, but another one will open soon. Keep your eyes open for that golden opportunity. Watch out for trouble at work, you might become annoyed with a coworker around the 15th.
In the meantime, be supportive of a friend’s new venture.
Watch out for trouble at work; you might become annoyed with a coworker around the 15th. Romance will blossom that evening, however, as long as you keep an open mind.
Cancer (June 22?July 22) ? The pot of gold is still waiting at the end of the rainbow. Just don’t forget to tie your shoes, or you might trip when you’re running from the leprechaun. He has an ax.
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) ? You thought that all you needed was a dollar and a dream. Turns out, all you need to ride the Spiderman car in the mall is $0.25 and a whole heap of sad!
(If you actually believe this, maybe you should transfer. This is not to be taken seriously.)