Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? Taking some time off sounds like a great idea now, but you will be soon be sick of eating Pringles for breakfast while watching The Price is Right. Time to start sending out some more resumes.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) ? You will meet a total babe at graduation. This cutie will notice you even though you’re wearing that goofy cap and gown. It sucks that you didn’t start talking until now, but there’s always reunion weekend.
Cancer (June 22?July 22) ? Your parents will find your stash while helping you move out of your suite. Better think up some excuses, because you’re going to have some explaining to do.
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) ? You will trip and fall on stage at your diploma ceremony. Sorry.
Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) ? You’ve walked by the video games in Wilson Commons ten million times, but never once played them. It’s commencement week and the time has come.
Libra (Sept. 23?Oct. 22) ? Bury the hatchet with your psychotic ex from freshman year. That one may have been a real loser, but it’s a good idea to finally make up before you go out in the world and never see each other again.
Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) ? Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and Uncle Ben’s Rice Bowls will only get you so far in life. Ask mom how to make foods that don’t involve adding milk and butter.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec. 21) ? You will never again use the knowledge you learned in organic chemistry. It’s still a toss-up with Principles of Industrial Organization, though.
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) ? There’s no D-Day in the real world. After a few years of missing the Tilt-a-Whirl and fried dough, you will start a new drinking tradition in the town to which you move.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) ? Don’t bum out if you think your new job is lame. You are not cut out for the nine to five grind. Forget about moving to the suburbs. The constellations say there is rock stardom in your future.
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) ? All those $2.50 pints you drank during senior week are beginning to catch up with you. Buy a membership to the local gym or your middle-aged beer gut will make a premature appearance.
Aries (March 21?April 19) ? Four years at UR taught you how to party like a champ. Don’t worry that the fun will end. You’ll soon be pimping it up in your new bachelor or bachelorette pad. Your twenties will be all about the champagne and strippers.
If you actually believe this, return your diploma immediately. This is not to be taken seriously.