“Goddamn, poke my ass.” I think that pretty much covers this year’s campus porn, “Thighs Wide Open.” There was no uncharted territory. This film gets around the human body like white on rice ? exactly what a porn should do.

Without giving away too much, I will let you in on a little secret ? the plot! To tell you the truth, if I hadn’t read the back of the movie box, I would not know the plot at all. Since you don’t have the box, I figure it is best if I lay the plot out for you.

John and Nikki have been married for three long years ? all the passion is gone from their love life. The only position they seem to find themselves in is missionary. After thoughtful consideration, John determines the best way to get the passion back is for Nikki to have sex with numerous other people, male and female. But how will he convince Nikki? I don’t want to give up too much of the surprise, but on the off-chance that you don’t make it the whole way through, John and Nikki live happily ever after.

Thighs is not a bad film as porns go. Sure, it isn’t “Debbie Does Dallas” or “Naughty Nurses,” but it also isn’t “College Cuties.” It had its attributes. Thighs promotes safe sex. There was a plethora of condoms of many different sizes and colors. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I think the pink ones were the nicest.

The actresses in Thighs also sported a wide variety of hairstyles ? the drapes and the carpets! Styles ranged from eighties wild and frizzy to the chic Brazilian.

Unfortunately, there were a few hairy things I did not need to see ? butts. More than one of the male actors had a hairy ass. I don’t know about you, but when I watch porn, I don’t want hairy asses.

Other things I did not need to see were ugly men. If any of you watched last year’s porn, you’ll recall the unattractive male actors. I’m pleased to say this year’s males are better looking, but not by much. There were several beer guts and at least one 50-year-old man. Uh-uh, not cool.

Oh, enough of this. I know you aren’t interested in what I thought of the porn. What is more important is how I felt about watching the porn.

I felt dirty. First, I had to go to the Multimedia Center to get the porn. You don’t know embarrassment until you have to look a fellow student in the eye and ask to view “Thighs Wide Open.”

Apparently, it was quite a big deal, because it was not long until the entire multimedia department was gathered around snickering and pointing. I am now known as the porn girl. I would have hoped to have a better reputation.

Second, I had to watch it alone in my room on my roommate’s computer.

Third, I have never watched more than 15 minutes of a porn before, and now I know why. Porn is boring. Thighs was the longest 93 minutes of my life. By the fifth sex scene, it was all I could do to not start my homework. But I prevailed. I knew that in order to give a good review I must watch the entire film in order to get an objective opinion.

The opening credits of Thighs led me to believe there would be a lot of girl-on-girl action ? a big turnoff for me. The first scene of Thighs led me to believe the men were ugly ? another big turnoff. The second scene of Thighs was filled with bad acting ? another turnoff.

I have always been told you can’t judge a book by its cover, so I put the assumptions out of my mind and tried to watch the film with a clean slate. Every subsequent scene affirmed my early assumptions. I was wrong about the girl-on-girl action, though. That is, I was wrong until the sixth sex scene ? three girls at once. But it added to the plot somehow.

However, if you were to ask me whether or not you should go to the campus porn, I would say yes. Don’t go to the porn for the cinematography. Go to the porn because it’s campus tradition. Go to the porn because it’s fun to heckle. Go to the porn just because. If there’s anything to do as a school, this is it. Plus, you get to see naked people.

Haber can be reached at bhaber@campustimes.org.



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