Aries (March 21-April 19) – For your economics project, you decide to compare the costs of having a girlfriend or just hiring a maid.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – A picture is worth a thousand words. If it’s a portrait of you, however, none of them will be complimentary.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – A girl in the bed is worth two on the dance floor.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – When you wake up the morning after a Halloween party, you’ll be dismayed to see the girl you’re with was not actually wearing a Wolfman costume.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Although you know it to be unhealthy, you can’t help but be intrigued by the girl who swallows her gum when finished.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – If your date shows up wearing an eye patch, don’t be surprised if she’s hesitant to do it with the lights off.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – When walking around campus, remember that there’s no such thing as the great pumpkin. It’s probably just a co-ed in an orange sweater.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Due to its inhibitory effects, whiskey is commonly used as a male birth control pill.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – When considering going out this weekend, just think of touring the Frat Quad as trick-or-treating for adults!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – When role playing as a gas attendant, you will be disheartened when your girlfriend pulls up to the self-service lane.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Until your recent Internet discovery, you thought your father meant he was in construction when he said he laid pipe for a living.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Remember, if you’re under 21, dress as the kid on your fake ID for Halloween!

(If you actually believe this, then you believe that subtitles count as light reading!)

Life and college students: a mutual hatred

It’s been a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day. I hate everyone and everyone hates me. I crawl into bed at 8 p.m., face my pillow, and scream into the void.

Looking towards Starbucks for my gender

I am genderfluid. On days when Emmely becomes an ill-fitting hat, Starbucks is there to save the day.

‘The Crucible’ is a theatrical romp

There is blood, dirt and grime, and behind the scenes, there is blood, sweat and tears poured into this production that you can feel palpably on stage.