Aries (March 21-April 19) – Remember girls, it’s better to drink too much vodka and get the spins than drink too much beer and get rolls.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You will be pleasantly surprised when the cute equestrian you meet loves to ride bareback!
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Since you’re the twin born first, God must have spent a little less time on you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – At Thanksgiving dinner, your parents won’t want to hear how thankful you are that an Asian student sat in front of you at your accounting exam.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Although it’s human nature to want what you can’t have, most men are happy to remain ignorant about childbirth.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – If you truly love someone, let them go. That way, you can get some last minute tail before they come back and you commit!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You’ll join your classmates in a sigh of disgust when one student asks about the maximum length of the term paper.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Students at UR are like deer during hunting season; very stressed and constantly in danger of being shot.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Sing as if no one is listening, dance like no one is watching and love like your roommate isn’t in the room.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – The eyes truly are the windows to the soul, which is probably why so many girls have to wear big sunglasses around campus.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You can tell a couple enjoys public sex when the girl is wearing a tiny skirt and the guy is wearing tear-away pants.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – As a lesbian, it is tough to deal with an anorexic partner who won’t eat.
(If you actually believe this, then you believe your mother’s pie is homemade.)