Aries (March 21-April 19) – You know that the combination of warm weather, sun and Rochester is too much for your feeble mind to handle. To help this sensory overload, try and numb your senses by going out every single day of the week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Feeling the pressure of classes already? Wrap yourself up in aluminum foil and roll down Danforth hill. When kids look out the window and see this huge shiny reflective object speeding down the hill, they’ll throw things at you. That will make you forget all about classes.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – If you see some idiot rolling down Danforth hill in aluminum foil, throw something at him.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – There are so many different kinds of tape out there in the world. You name it, and it’ll stick things to other things.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – If you’re taking a math class that requires the use of a protractor, I want to know which class that is. I have a really cool purple protractor with Sponge-Bob stickers on it that I would love to dust off and measure some angles.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Tired of Danforth already? Try and make something creative, like soup from a can. It’s good for your inner peace. I would know a thing or two about inner peace because I know the moon on a first name basis. Did you know that The Moon is actually named Theresa Moon? “The” is short for “Theresa.”
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Think you’re tall? Try being as tall as the Eiffel Tower. I bet the Eiffel Tower had a hard time in kindergarten, especially during nap time.Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio, what can I say about you this week? How about, get your damn stinger out of my ass.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Even though spring has sprung and fall is about to fall, the mating season is still in full swing here in Rochester. We shouldn’t call it the mating season because that implies little kids, and they definitely couldn’t handle the college work load.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – How many fire alarms have you had so far? Too many, right? Well, unfortunately, this week is only destined for more of them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Just reach out, because I’ll be there. Or at least one of my creepy friends will be.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – What’s your address? I was going to mail you a pony, but I realized I didn’t have your address and ponies need instant attention upon delivery.
(If you actually believe this, then you really think Mardi Gras will be held on a boat.)
Lax can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.