Nabozny arrested for embezzling
SA President “Pistol” Pete Nabozny was arrested on Tuesday for embezzling funds from the Students’ Association Supplemental Fund.UR Security caught on to Nabozny’s scheming after investigating sketchy classifieds placed in the Campus Crime Connection. “A female undergraduate stopped by the Ruth Merrill Center to try on a missing brassiere and noticed large sacks of cash in the corner of the office at approximately 12:39 p.m.,” NYPD Blue Detective Wally “the Walrus” Mauldin said. “Attached to the bags were forged purchase orders.”Upon further investigation, officers discovered an executive fund of $45,000 was written into the latest senate proposal.Receipts found in Wilson Commons detail weekends spent jet skiing, eating in fine restaurants and romancing several sexual partners at ritzy hotels in Boulder, Colo. There are also receipts dated at the same time from Las Vegas, Nev., and Miami, Fla.UR Security has zeroed in on two possible accomplices. Senior Kim Gorode and sophomore Jackie Borchardt have both placed similar, suspicious classifieds in recent issues.”We’re lucky to have a hot tip, thanks to the CCC,” Mauldin said. “Finally those initials are good for something.”The students have been referred to the Assistant Dean of Classified Information for further review. Director of Wilson Commons Student Orgies Anne-Marie-Lynn-Emily-Sue Algier stands behind the SA groups in question.”It’s really good that groups are working together,” Algier said. “I only wish my other groups took me on vacations to Canada.”Soft-serve ice cream machine removed from DanforthThe soft-serve ice cream machine was removed from Danforth Dining Center on March 25 after ARAMARK looked into complaints from members of Thefacebook group “Remove Ice Cream Machines For the Good of UR Female population.” ARAMARK found that since the machine had been installed in Danforth, females on campus had gained an average of 47 pounds.”I believe that with the removal of the ice cream machine from Danforth, students will be much happier overall,” University Health Service’s Joy “I Love You, You Love Me” Newman. “The machine was a health concern and without it, students will feel better and be more focused on making friends and having fun. Just remember, that now that the women will start to be skinnier and prettier it will be more important than ever to practice safe sexual intercourse.”However, this dramatic move is receiving much criticism from many students on campus, namely those in Thefacebook group “We need MORE Ice Cream Machines For The Good of UR Female Population (I Like Bends, Not Flat Ends)” and some of the females who frequented Danforth simply for the ice cream machine.”When I’m at a party and a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face, I get sprung,” freshman Jim Mack-A-Lot said. “Without those ice cream machines, we ain’t gonna have no more asses on this campus. I like ’em round and big.”The females who used the ice cream most often are also very upset. Three of them, who were unable to be identified, handcuffed themselves to the machine and refused to allow ARAMARK workers to remove it. Unfortunately, Danforth was about to open, and if the students had come in and seen the fatties attached to the machine they would have lost their appetite, so the employees were forced to remove it with them attached. The women seemed upset that they did not have access to the toppings bar. Reporting by Jimmy Smits.
