Aries (March 21-April 19) – You’ve been awfully busy lately, but you still need to set aside some time to enjoy yourself. Put down your chemistry book and go out with your friends, that is if your friends still remember who you are because they haven’t seen you since January.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You know that fortune cookie you got the other day at Danforth? Find it and play the lucky numbers in the lottery, you might win.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Your outlook on life has been really bad lately. Stop being so negative. Try to notice the rose in the vase instead of the dust on the table.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You’re in for one heck of a surprise this week. Brace yourself.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You’ve been awfully giving lately with your friends and significant other. That’s really nice, just don’t let people walk all over you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Be a little more impulsive. Your week will be a lot more exciting if you act on a whim.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Cook this weekend. Just don’t burn anything down. You have a tendency to do that.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Call your parents. Even though they bug you most of the time, you should call them anyway. Otherwise where will you live this summer?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) – Unleash your wild side. Even though you are quiet and calm nowadays, the craziness is still buried in you someplace. Go crazy. It’s more fun that way, just do it, you’ll see.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Stop being such a player. You think you’re all sneaky with your adulterous ways. But you just wait, all those guys you’ve been playing are going to find out and drop you before you know what happened.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You are so gullible. And people make fun of you all the time. If I were you, I’d be sick of it too. So put a stop to it. Don’t believe anything anyone tells you. Also, buy a book about playing jokes on people and strike back. Playing a few good jokes on that person who used to mock you the most will put an end to all the insults about your alleged stupidity.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Start looking for concerts to go to this summer before you miss out on buying tickets. Taking that secret crush to an awesome show will definitely win them over.
(If you actually believe this, then your shoes are untied. Made you look. This is not to be taken seriously.)