Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) ? The lyrics from all of Bad Ronald?s music will take special significance for you this week. Let go of everything, get down and get funky.
Libra (Sept. 23?Oct. 22) ? This week, you?ll find yourself strangely attracted to Screech from ?Saved by the Bell.? Pick up the pieces of your shattered psyche and then move on.
Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) ? Someone once said, ?When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.? Keep that outlook in mind regarding your roommate situation.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec 21) ? The stars say that you?re looking great. Dress for success, and keep that head up. Looks aren?t everything but they will most certainly help you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) ? Live without regrets this week, as stepping on a few toes may be necessary in silencing your inner demons. Be sure to explore your options first before you go all out.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) ? Stay away from dolphins this week. Trust me.
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) ? Success will be yours this week, as long as you deal with the immediate problems first and don?t let them fester. Keep in mind that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
Aries (March 21?April 19) ? Transcending
the day-to-day struggles is possible with a peaceful heart. Unfortunately for you, this won?t happen anytime soon, as you?ll soon be tempted to curl into fetal position and shout obscenities at anyone that even mentions that astrology is not a major.
Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? People are getting lazier, yourself included. Get up, get moving, and get working in order to dig yourself out of the hole you created. Once you concentrate on working this week, you?ll be able to enjoy your weekend.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) ? Although you may be a beautiful and unique snowflake, stopping passersby to inform them of this will do little good. Making posters, however, would be a better way to inform the general public, while still having time for yourself.
Cancer (June 22?July 22) ? The stars are on the lookout for you all this month. While they?ll watch your back, you have to look out for what?s on the road ahead. Don?t fret the little things, because your friends will be there to help you out along the way.
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) ? With the Gemini rising, now?s the time to buy those $320 shoes you?ve been eyeing over at Nieman Marcus. It?s now or never.
(If you actually believe this, then you have issues. This is not to be taken seriously.)