Aaron Livingston is a ficticious character that represents the views of sophomores Gregg Chesney, Joseph Berlino and David Vigneaux.

I don?t miss home very often, but when I do it?s usually because I?m sick. There?s just something comforting about being able to yell across your house and have your mother fetch whatever it is you need.

Unfortunately, UHS fills the role of your loving mother here at UR, but, instead of attempting to fill your needs, it schedules your appointment to fit its needs.

This means that you will be asked to trek through the Rochester weather, which probably caused your illness in the first place, at whatever inconvenient time UHS happens to choose for you.

So people who are sick, need their sleep and who usually go to bed around 4 a.m., are now forced to wake up early enough to make their 9 a.m. appointments.

After all, my mother always told me that not sleeping and running around in the snow is good for a cold.

Once you finally make it to UHS, everything does move fairly quickly, because it has only one measure of treatment no matter what your symptoms are. If you come in coughing, you?re leaving with some Robitussin. I?d bet they have some kinds of Robitussin not available in stores.

Last week I?m pretty sure I saw a guy limping out of UHS with a bottle of Robitussin TKC, for his twisted knee and cough.

I?m honestly waiting for them to come out with a Robitussin DFS, to cure Danforth syndrome ? although syndrome is often replaced with another word that starts with the letter ?s? and ends with the letter ?hits? ? characterized by sudden urges to find the nearest crapper.

If you?re unsatisfied with the quality of health care UHS provides, then you can always go across the street to Strong Memorial Hospital.

Strong Hospital offers top-notch medical care from qualified professionals with access to top-of-the-line equipment, all of which is accompanied by a breathtaking view of the cemetery.

In a related poll, senior citizens rated a view of their own headstone as the number two ?most exciting thing? to watch in a hospital room, losing narrowly to ResTV?s new LCIF channel 38.

If you think I am exaggerating the problems at Strong, here is an actual phone conversation between a student at UR, who had had his clothes taken from him in the emergency room, and several members of the staff at Strong:

Student: ?Can you help me, I?ve lost my pants.?

Strong: ?Ok, let me transfer you to security.?

Student: ?Hi, my pants were taken from me in the ER last night.?

Security: ?Ok, let me transfer you to the hospital.?

Student: ?But, I was just speaking to someone in the hospital.?

Security: ?Hold on, I?ll transfer you.?

Strong: ?Front desk, how may I help you??

Student: ?Excuse me, can you help me? I think I?m being transferred in circles.?

Strong: ?Hold on, let me transfer you.?

Student: ?Never mind, my keys and ID weren?t that important.?

Just remember, Strong is the hospital where we send students with alcohol poisoning. So drink responsibly this D-Day.

If you won?t do it for the sake of your health, do it for the sake of your pants.

If you have any questions, comments, hate mail, and undiagnosed medical symptoms send them to aaronliving1@hotmail.com.

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