It?s opening night for another Hollywood blockbuster movie, and anyone who is anyone is there.

All the major players from the local grade schools are out and dressed to the nines, and so are their parents.

Tickets to opening night for a film like this are hard to score. We all wait with baited breath to see if director Simon Wincer could wow us like he did in the first two Crocodile Dundee movies or move us like he did in ?The Big Dumbo Drop.?

Billy, the young man next to me, is the big man on campus in the fifth grade at a local school and his grandpa got him his ticket, no doubt through some Hollywood connection.

In all the excitement, Billy confided in me that he has attention deficit disorder. Sorry Billy ? I?m a journalist and that?s a scoop.

If you want to see the finest actors practicing their craft at the highest level, perhaps you might try finding something at your local video store.

?Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles? is packed with visual gags, like the time Dundee has a skunk but the police think its a bomb, the time gang members try to mug Dundee in the middle of an LA freeway while news helicopters buzz overhead and finally, the time when Dundee rescues the stolen paintings.

It even has cameos by Mike Tyson and Paul Rodriguez who have done brilliant work in … in … well, we?re all familiar with the many wonderful works of Paul Rodriguez.

Hearing this, you immediately think Oscar, but somewhere this movie goes south ? no pun intended. I?m really not sure how. I won?t tell you how it ends. I fell asleep.

I think somewhere in there Mick Dundee saves Christmas, but I?m not sure. Perhaps if the plot had not revolved around selling me Wendy?s food, Apple computers and Subaru Outbacks, I could have remained awake.

I found it ironic that the plot for this movie centered on a film company making terrible movies as a front for smuggling paintings. If this movie makes any money we?ll know something is up.

I asked my new-found friend Billy to give me his reaction after the movie, but he wasn?t paying attention.

As huge a fan of Paul Hogan as I am, I cannot in good conscience give this movie my seal of approval.

I guess Hogan will just have to go back to whoring himself for the Subaru car company and getting rich off the unflattering misconceptions Americans have about his homeland.

No worries mate.

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