First-years officially classified as invasive species
Based on the first-years’ recent growth patterns, it is imperative to curb the first-year infestation before they take over Burton and Crosby as well.
Long-line epidemic sweeping through campus; Line vigilantes rumored
That’s right — the line epidemic is sweeping across the UR campus with no signs of slowing down.
Breaking news: First-years still have a will to live
They are so full of hope it makes any upperclassman sick with the realization that they, too, were once full of bliss and a will to live.
Email from admin: Students must get positive COVID-19 test for the fall
In order to accommodate these students, we have decided to lock you all into Strong Auditorium and pump infected air through the vents.
Sober (and depressing) D-Day alternatives to drinking
With this year’s Dandelion Day (D-Day) now over, some students may feel they didn’t get the most out of it. Many did, of course, get plastered in accordance with the time-honored Rochester tradition.
Pro-global warming campus club launched in response to cold spring
Stuple is hoping these efforts will be enough to “scare the mean cold weather away” so he can “finally start working on his summer tan.”