UR Joking

First-years officially classified as invasive species

Based on the first-years’ recent growth patterns, it is imperative to curb the first-year infestation before they take over Burton and Crosby as well.

Carnivorous dandelions are coming to campus

To cut down on the campus’ unmanageable yellowjacket infestation, a UR professor has released her research on breeding carnivorous dandelions.

Long-line epidemic sweeping through campus; Line vigilantes rumored

That’s right — the line epidemic is sweeping across the UR campus with no signs of slowing down.

Breaking news: First-years still have a will to live

They are so full of hope it makes any upperclassman sick with the realization that they, too, were once full of bliss and a will to live.

A list of COVID-19-friendly pop-up requests

Although a healthy amount of UR students can subsist off of the sole resource known as “daddy’s money,” not everyone is that lucky.

Email from admin: Students must get positive COVID-19 test for the fall

In order to accommodate these students, we have decided to lock you all into Strong Auditorium and pump infected air through the vents.

Sober (and depressing) D-Day alternatives to drinking

With this year’s Dandelion Day (D-Day) now over, some students may feel they didn’t get the most out of it. Many did, of course, get plastered in accordance with the time-honored Rochester tradition.

‘Dumb Ways To Die’: Rochester edition

When you’d do anything to finish the semester immediately, that suspiciously undercooked chicken from the Pit doesn’t start to look half bad.

Pro-global warming campus club launched in response to cold spring

Stuple is hoping these efforts will be enough to “scare the mean cold weather away” so he can “finally start working on his summer tan.”

What to do with your end-of-semester declining

Instead of scrambling to spend all of your (not-so) hard-earned declining on junk food from Hillside, here are some alternatives.