Eastman statue cries tears of blood, screams “Retribution will come when least expected”
When approached by CT for comment on any supernatural threat the statue might pose, Public Safety replied, “If you think we give a shit, you’re high.”
How to show up late to lecture in a way that disrupts everything
To get an awful high-pitched squeaking noise to emanate from the door, open it slowly. Picture yourself as a charming breeze slowly blowing the door open.
A brief log of President Mangelsdorf’s President’s Day activities
Mangelsdorf put on her party hat. She smiled. She could kill any one of her VPs with her bare hands. She had the strength. She was president.
CT Crossword: Finish it in less than a minute or you’re a dunce
Put the right words in the little boxes quickly and correctly or we will print out a glossy jpeg of your face and write "total fool" on your forehead.
An interview with the murderer of that kid who asks unrelated questions in lecture to seem smart
A kid who always asked unrelated questions in lecture was probably murdered last week. Now I’ve got an exclusive interview with the suspected killer.
MERT reports ‘690 percent’ increase in penis injuries on Feb. 14
According to a joint statement from MERT and Public Safety, this spike in reported incidents left the MERT team “stretched thin and girthless.”
How to fake grief when that kid who asks unrelated questions in lecture to seem smart is murdered
Every time someone mentions the dead kid’s name, you can’t stop a Joker-like grin from engulfing your whole face. How do you hide this?
Argument breaks out in first-year quad over who is the most pre-med pre-med
In a particularly heated moment, onlookers reported that it appeared one student tried to papercut another using her laminated CV.