Darwin: wise or wack?

I come to you today, dear readers, with what I unabashedly believe to be the biggest scientific revelation in the history of our species. 

How to throw a ‘virtual’ frat party in 2021

With the COVID-19 pandemic turning one full year old (happy birthday, by the way), people are growing impatient. That’s why I made the ultimate guide to throwing a 100 percent virtual frat party.

Letter to the Editor: In defense of Rocky

Rocky is a valuable, hardworking member of the community, as proven by his business endeavor on campus Rocky’s Sub Shop (and, posthumously until the libs get over this whole virus thing, Lounge).

Help! My professor is an AI

It all began to add up. I wondered if it was possible for the University to outsource our learning to an AI that was capable of teaching a course.

Dr. Chatbot sued, loses medical license

In early February, Dr. Chatbot was arrested and indicted on over 10,000 counts of malpractice. Due to the doctor’s uncanny ability to change their appearance seemingly at will, and therefore their ability to slip past monitoring systems, they were deemed a flight risk and detained in cells across the web. 

Valentine’s surprise; Stacks to be open 24 hours

To this point they’ve made one thing clear: Donations from couples who met on campus are too precious to lose to COVID-19.

Email from a distraught, unvaccinated donor

Nobody told me there was a cutoff for illegal benefits, and it would have been nice to know considering my most recent donation of $150 and two black market kidneys seems to total only $5 net value under the apparent “official” vaccine “price.”

Disobey the no-guest policy as an act of civil disobedience

I encourage the rest of campus to follow suit in my noble endeavor to stop the unjust laws governing our campus and really stick it to the man with me.

Fighting back against voter fraud

All my Facebook friends have now been informed, except for my grandson. He’s a communist because he told me that we should “count all the votes.”

A day in the life of University middle management

If you consult the delegation guidebook, you’ll see that crises on River Campus are delegated to the Dean of the Faculty of Arts, Sciences, and Engineering.