Humor

First-years officially classified as invasive species

Based on the first-years’ recent growth patterns, it is imperative to curb the first-year infestation before they take over Burton and Crosby as well.

Does Jeff Runner even run? The answer may shock you!

We ran a poll, and, astoundingly, of the four people we asked, not  a single person reported having ever seen Jeffrey Runner run.

Carnivorous dandelions are coming to campus

To cut down on the campus’ unmanageable yellowjacket infestation, a UR professor has released her research on breeding carnivorous dandelions.

Long-line epidemic sweeping through campus; Line vigilantes rumored

That’s right — the line epidemic is sweeping across the UR campus with no signs of slowing down.

UR not connected

WiFi has been disabled all day. Whatever. Not my problem. Maybe I’ll fix it tomorrow. Maybe not. Probably not.

Breaking news: First-years still have a will to live

They are so full of hope it makes any upperclassman sick with the realization that they, too, were once full of bliss and a will to live.

Journal of a lonely student exposed, published in Museum of Natural History

The deepest caverns of my psyche are stuffed with gauzy, stringy globs of caterpillar silk and rendered inaccessible. Welcome to my twisted mind.

COVID-19 variants to form new fraternity

COVID Delta Lambda hopes to change the college experience for anyone attempting to get an education in the next decade (or eternity).

A list of COVID-19-friendly pop-up requests

Although a healthy amount of UR students can subsist off of the sole resource known as “daddy’s money,” not everyone is that lucky.

Email from admin: Students must get positive COVID-19 test for the fall

In order to accommodate these students, we have decided to lock you all into Strong Auditorium and pump infected air through the vents.