Narratives

How I learned to stop worrying and love the sqURm

Armed with an R&D survey and a budget of $0, I set out to create a new mascot for UR's largest demographic: those nerds who failed the Pacer Test.

Roommate leaves raw beef on counter, disappears for weeks

When I came back, she was gone. All that remained was the faint smell of fermentation and a large hunk of ground beef on the counter. Raw. Bare.

I look like Lenny from ‘Shark Tale,’ and that’s okay

There are worse cartoon characters to look like. Lenny is voiced by Jack Black, which is awesome. On the other hand, most people think I look like a shark.

A brief log of President Mangelsdorf’s President’s Day activities

Mangelsdorf put on her party hat. She smiled. She could kill any one of her VPs with her bare hands. She had the strength. She was president. 

An interview with the murderer of that kid who asks unrelated questions in lecture to seem smart

A kid who always asked unrelated questions in lecture was probably murdered last week. Now I’ve got an exclusive interview with the suspected killer.

The Demon Girl Who Lives in the Tunnels: Sick as Hell

Being sick as a demon is about as close to Hell as you can get. Imagine a fever when your normal internal body temperature is just 200 degrees Fahrenheit.

The wolf t-shirt you got from the cousin who likes magic tricks and theme parks

Cousin Rick likes magic tricks and Six Flags. He owns three Fushigis. He lives más. And now he's gone and bought you a shirt.

Ken Jennings crowned king of ‘Jeopardy!,’ becomes vaguely famous

Jennings defeated longtime rival Brad Rutter and newcomer James Holzhauer, and is now even occasionally recognized when walking down the street. 

Demon Girl: Arizona isn’t Hell, but it’s almost as hot

Shoutout to the three Customs and Border Protection agents whose souls we ate. Sometimes you just need a little junk food.

The Demon Girl Who Lives in the Tunnels: Thanksgiving in Hell is Hell

How is a demon supposed to enjoy the holidays when meat is not present? Nothing personal, Beelzebub, but we know you’re the one who went vegan.