Archives - Benjamin Schiffman

Fighting back against voter fraud

All my Facebook friends have now been informed, except for my grandson. He’s a communist because he told me that we should “count all the votes.”

Soylent-Quarantine for Halloween

Our scientists and witchcraft students have invented a new kind of food that not only can feed our students, but has all the saccharine empty calories of Halloween candy.

Message to the UR community on recent controversy

In the spirit of supporting our students and retaining a happy campus, we have decided to create an environment of blissful ignorance.

Anti-racist DPS policy to include blindfolds

DPS plans to have all officers wear blindfolds or horse blinders when driving because, “if we can’t see their face, we can’t tell their race.” 

Study shows food provides protection from COVID-19

“Because social distancing is required at all times, and I can’t have any visitors, the news that food prevents coronavirus spread has completely saved my social life,”