Archives - Benjamin Schiffman

Astroworld’s tragedy is astronomically naive

We have already learned how dangerous unmonitored crowds of tens of thousands of people are. Why did Astroworld force us to learn this again?

Not stressed enough? We have just the service for you!

Break From School Breaks is a startup that will assign you stressful and fulfilling work to keep you busy over your school breaks!

Long-line epidemic sweeping through campus; Line vigilantes rumored

That’s right — the line epidemic is sweeping across the UR campus with no signs of slowing down.

COVID-19 variants to form new fraternity

COVID Delta Lambda hopes to change the college experience for anyone attempting to get an education in the next decade (or eternity).

Email from admin: Students must get positive COVID-19 test for the fall

In order to accommodate these students, we have decided to lock you all into Strong Auditorium and pump infected air through the vents.

Biden-Mangelsdorf affair revealed

This yet-to-be-formally-confirmed bombshell is expected to send huge waves through Washington and Rochester alike.

Presidential historian and author Michael Beschloss explains what makes a great president

While eating lunch with Richard Nixon at his home in 1992, historian and author Michael Beschloss asked what Nixon would…

Drink to the future: How one student became a psychic

So how did Noah Dafuture, a UR junior, gain his psychic powers? Dafuture attributes his success to drinking the mysterious liquid found inside a Magic 8 Ball.

Valentine’s surprise; Stacks to be open 24 hours

To this point they’ve made one thing clear: Donations from couples who met on campus are too precious to lose to COVID-19.

Email from a distraught, unvaccinated donor

Nobody told me there was a cutoff for illegal benefits, and it would have been nice to know considering my most recent donation of $150 and two black market kidneys seems to total only $5 net value under the apparent “official” vaccine “price.”