Has anyone ever bumped into and didn’t say sorry? Have you ever raised your hand in class, so very confident in your answer, and had the professor humble you wholly? Has your mother hung up on you in the middle of you saying “I love you?” Do these things boil within you and you find that you have no outlet?

Well, I have a solution for you: chop your hair off.

And if you’re having any doubts about doing so, maybe answer these next five questions.

Should you chop your hair off?

  1. Imagine a future where you have chopped your hair off. Maybe it’s a pixie cut. Maybe it’s a bob. You go to visit your grandparents and your grandmother is especially cold. You confront her and she wants to disown you. She tells you that she only loved you because of your hair. You’re no longer in the will. And worse, she will never tell you how to best blackmail your father so that he allows you to become a fulltime DJ and crypto trader. How do you fix this?
    1. I don’t. Grandma’s hair is magenta and in a perm. She should not have an opinion on my hair. Plus, she will die soon anyways. I don’t need the will money or my father’s approval of my dream job. Strong independent woman, baby.
    2. I remind her that hair grows back. She tells me that mine never will. In fact, I am Rapunzel and have ruined my healing and anti-aging powers because of my inability to regulate my emotions. She suggests I go to therapy before she asks that I leave her home.
    3. I get on my knees and beg her not to. Grandma laughs hysterically, crosses her arms, and asks me to beg more. I do. She is satisfied when I grovel for three hours. I leave with hard caramels and a new kink.
  2. Your partner does not believe in the doctor. They are not anti-vax and they believe in science and medication. But for some reason, they believe that doctors are scammers. They have a gash in their leg and have been bleeding non stop from their wound for the last two weeks. How do you convince them to visit a medical facility?
    1. What? Who doesn’t believe in the doctor? I would never be in this situation. Has the author of this quiz maker been in this situation?? Also, how is this related to whether or not I should cut my hair off?
    2. I first convince them that peeing on their wound will heal them. Then I proceed to urinate on their leg gash. When they develop an infection from that, I lie about how my urine possesses high amounts of radiation and if they do not want to develop radiation poisoning, they should go to a hospital. After all, radiation poisoning is more concerning than some bleeding, right? This should motivate them!
    3. I spray bear spray in my eyes and tell them I will not go to the hospital until they do. They love me enough where this works. I leave the hospital partially blind for a week and a new kink.
  3. You have been accused of being a narcissist. You do not think spending two hours a day staring into the mirror while listening to “Gorgeous” by Taylor Swift is narcissistic. This brings you immense joy. Besides, practicing self love should be encouraged. One day, you are told that your hair looks flat by your classmate. When your scheduled mirror time arrives, it simply does not hit as hard. How do you ensure that the best two hours of your day are not ruined?
    1. I remind myself that they are one person with one bad take. I know I am better than them. I pay them no mind and continue to blast “Gorgeous” while lamenting about how beautiful my eyes are.
    2. First, I seduce them and wring out as many compliments from them as possible. A year into our relationship, we will be laying in bed together and I will stroke their face. Then I will tell them, “I think my favorite thing about you is how your left eye is a bit lower than your right eye. I really dig asymmetry.” We will break up a month later because I will not “have time for a relationship.”
    3. I purchase a wig. It was supposed to be strawberry blonde. When it arrives, it is pink. I wear it in public one day and am told I look like Zero Two. I decide to become a cosplayer and go viral. I am admired by hundreds of thousands of people. I no longer need those two hours in the mirror. Instead, I spend a few minutes on Reddit and get the same ego boost. Male validation beats having a positive self-image.
  4. You go out wearing your third favorite pair of shoes. They are a little bit big and a little bit uncomfortable. But they are cute. You step in freshly spit out gum. It is still moist and glistening and clings to the bottom of your left shoe. You know each step you take will be sticky. How do you feel?
    1. I can shrug it off. It’s just gum. As I take more and more steps, my steps will eventually become less sticky. This is a very minor inconvenience that will become even less of a minor inconvenience in a few hours. I will manage.
    2. I think I will kill someone 🙂
    3. I will take my shoe off and walk around barefooted. I notice that a few of the people I pass look almost hungry as they pass me. I have discovered something new about myself. I think I will make a lucrative career move.
  5. Do you own scissors?
    1. Yes. I use them for tasks.
    2. Yes. I do not use them for tasks.
    3. Technically.

Results:

If you answered with mostly “a,” then you are more well adjusted than most. Thus, you should chop your hair off to show the world that you are not as boring as they think you are.

If you answered with mostly “b,” then you absolutely should chop your hair off. I’m actually surprised that you haven’t yet. (Also, I am you.)

If you answered with mostly “c,” then you should but not for horny reasons.

Literally, everyone, just chop your hair off. It’s a literal weight off your shoulders.



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