The University released a controversial statement promising free tuition for virtually all undergraduate students on Sunday, March 6. I know what we’re all thinking — they really shouldn’t have! Before we start celebrating and demanding that they take back our money, let’s actually consider what this means.

Now, I’ve never taken an economics class, but I don’t think you need to to realize that this isn’t really how business works. We all know that the more expensive something is, the more undoubtedly prestigious it is, duh. By eliminating any sort of compensation for our marvelous (and arguably-overpriced education), they’re essentially reducing the value of a UR education to less than that of a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Or how dare you tell me that my education costs less than what I ordered on Grubhub yesterday? Sure, we could practically eradicate the crippling burden of college debt so our bank accounts aren’t crying when we finally graduate, but we’re too elite for that. Why would you not pay when you can pay? It’s better to assert our status and succumb to the inevitable financial crisis that lies ahead.

Not only is it our duty to assert our lavish financial capability, but also to give back to the University. I mean, I can’t be learning quantum mechanics for nothing — something this difficult has got to be worth at least $20,000. I would feel sorely indebted if it was priced at any less. You have to give UR what it deserves. Never mind that besides the academics, the dining options at Douglass basically rotate through a cycle of bland, mediocre, and very (but only very) rarely barely-enlightening. Hey, at least it’s edible most of the time, and the dorms only have cockroaches occasionally. Besides, they’re basically just free emotional support insects.

In fact, tuition should increase. We owe the University for basically everything we have. Raising tuition fees may restrict the pool of future applicants and reduce accessibility to our education and unparalleled living conditions, which is great news for us. The triples in first-year housing are already a red flag, and Gleason is crowded enough. There are too many controversial things to list about this University, but overcrowding is one of the best ones. Insanely high tuition rates would legitimately solve this problem. If tuition rises by only 50% each year, by 2025, the few of us still trying to finish our degrees here might find ourselves with a private campus!

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