As the recent dining transformation continues, the University continues to grace declining-havers with a plethora of Sol Bowl alternatives. Undergraduates are choosing happily — free from any force of coercion whatsoever — to spend their parents’ money on delivery from restaurants that draw on cultures from all corners of the globe, like Chipotle (Mexico) and Tai Chi Bubble Tea (Asia). Students can now roll-up (sushi, unfortunately) at California Rollin’ II (Japanese…sort of). And last week, Yellowjackets had the option to gather during a crisp autumn drizzle for some delectable street food: poutine (Canada) and kabobs (Rob’s).

You might be wondering, how could UR possibly get any better at providing their students’ with affordable and satisfying meal options? Well, starting next week, dining services will reveal an all-new, interactive declining option — fishing lessons from the strange men that cast lines off of the pedestrian bridge.

We set off to interview one of Dining Services’ new instructors. When we asked for his name, the man convulsed with a thin cackle and let out an impressive loogie before responding “Genesee Sam.” Sam then took a big fat drag of some sort of vanilla-bean aerosol which he calls his “money-maker.”

Mr. Sam, who requested we refer to him as such, was recently hired as the first of many new strange men in Dining Services’ latest branch-off into food education: the School of Community-Driven Nutritional Equity. 

Mr. Sam will also lead a foraging workshop (priced by the half-hour) that he hopes will elucidate the true bounty of root vegetables across campus grounds, as well as some uncommonly eaten varieties of berries native to Eastman Quad. This vegetarian-friendly mini-course has a working title of “Foraging for Plants That, If You Know What You’re Doing, Do Just Fine in a Stew or Hash.”

University President Sarah Mangelsdorf is set to reveal this first-of-its-kind endeavor later this week at the podium with teary-eyed solemnity. When asked to speak on the matter, Mangelsdorf had this to say:

Rager of the year at my place this weekend with the savings. Meliora.”

This move has led to criticism from a cohort of disgruntled Yellowjackets, who have dismissed this innovation in on-campus nutrition as “ridiculous and unsanitary” before propositioning even a single bridge fisherman themselves. Give it a chance you spoiled, yuppie nerd-babies. You oughta learn to live off the (only partly) trash-filled bounty of our Genesee — she’s a perfectly fine river. Oh, you keep reeling in sprite bottles? Used needles? Severed limbs? Was that, like, literally traumatizing for you? Grow a spine. Ahem.

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