A secret adderall-slinging organization run by the mice that live in residential housing was uncovered this week by Public Safety officers. After a two-year long investigation, Public Safety has presented their investigation to the public. Code-named “the Meliora Mouse Clubhouse,” their report named leaders and key players, and detailed how the mice operate. 

New students interested in study drugs were able to get in contact with the cabal through upperclassmen with at least four of the following traits: triple major, four or more e-Board positions, a plan to teach themselves a language (programming or spoken), Strong Memorial Hospital volunteering position, at least 24 credits, and a position on SA or CT. 

The overachieving student would provide a specific Pit order for the interested student to acquire: a burger from the Grill with fries and orange chicken with a fortune cookie on the side from the Wok. The interested buyer would then leave the meal partially eaten on their desk in their dorm room for at least seven hours. 

The mice would then come into the dorm room when either the student was asleep or at class. They would leave a paper that looks like an old General Interest Meeting slip you got at the club fair that you never threw out for some reason.

This form detailed in code the different doses of adderall you could buy. The doses ranged from a 20 mg URBee All-Nighter to a 80 mg Rocky Final’s Week special, aka, “I didn’t learn a single thing in my STEM class this semester and my final is 50% of my grade.” The mice cabal would pick up the completed slip that day, and once the student paid, the mice would deliver the goods within 12 hours in an empty Starbucks cup. 

The mice cabal headquarters was found to be a broken dryer in Anderson Hall. The mouse in charge, Cheesy Tom, was taken into custody after a high-speed chase through Jackson Court that ended in him getting trapped in a decades-old mouse-trap Facilities forgot about. Over the two months alone, according to the cabal’s books, the tiny cabal has made $318,000, which is just over the full cost to attend UR for four years. 

With Cheesy Tom out of the picture, the cabal seems close to collapse. For students looking for an alternative way to keep up with their insane Google Calendar schedule that does not involve a secret cabal of mice, try a fool-proof method that got me through the MATH 160 series. I give you: 

Melanie’s Rocket Fuel

  • 2 cans of cold brew 
  • 1 Red Bull 
  • Pre-workout
  • A venti Sweet Cream Cold Brew 
  • A water 
  • Optional: A room to lock yourself in and a trusted friend to safe-guard the key.  
  1. Bust out your dorm room key and shotgun one cold brew. Then shotgun the Red Bull, followed by the second can of cold-brew. 
  2. Sit and contemplate what you have just done to yourself.
  3. Now guzzle down that Sweet Cream Cold Brew and swallow two cupfuls of pre-workout dry. 
  4. Accept that you have just discovered a new high-power-entity-being that has taken your soul, one that is so old, exists beyond time, and belongs to a palace deeper than the plane that we may perceive as hell; their name is unknown to the world.
  5. If you did not choose to lock yourself in a room, the best place to ride this out is in Gleason/iZone. Ambience is key. 
  6. Get grindin’. Don’t worry about the stares you’ll get from people once you start climbing the walls like Spider-Man. They are just jealous. 
  7. If you feel like you’re gonna pass out, have a sip of water. You’ll be fine, champ. Just have MERT on speed-dial.***

***RECENT AMENDMENT TO STEP 7. MERT IS GONE, SO TAKE THE BLUE LINE TO THE STRONG EMERGENCY ROOM. 



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