After three weeks of study, UR’s Biology department has officially classified first-years (scientific name: discipulus eu) as an invasive species, and will be taking immediate measures to curb their takeover of the campus.
Biology professor Ian G. Root, who co-authored the original study identifying first-years as a potential danger to other forms of campus life, said he first became concerned about the effects of first-years on the campus ecosystem when he learned they had taken over Lovejoy.
“When you introduce a new species to a preexisting ecosystem, you hope that it’ll remain contained,” Root said. “The fact that the first-years took over the entirety of Lovejoy before the end of August is frightening indeed. And it bodes poorly for other campus lifeforms.”
Root went on to explain that he was particularly concerned for the wellbeing of the reclusive upperclassman (scientific name: deus adiuva me). In his paper, Root included some rough sketches based on his observations of upperclassmen: wrinkly, skeletal lifeforms slumped over piles of homework, bemoaning their lost youth. Root said he would have liked to record an interaction with an upperclassman to better understand how they’ve been affected by the first-year onslaught, but when he tried to communicate with one, it hissed at him, then lunged forward and stole his Rocky’s sub, subsequently retreating into its four-person Riverview suite. Root did manage to catch a glimpse of a nest, which he imagines may serve as the upperclassman’s bed, made up of “unwashed laundry and crushed-up syllabi.”
According to Root, based on the first-years’ recent growth patterns, it is imperative to curb the first-year infestation before they take over Burton and Crosby as well. “It’s honestly astonishing that they haven’t already taken the entire first-year quad,” he said. “Either the first-years are benevolent — which, come on, let’s be real — or they’re planning on using Burton and Crosby as a bargaining chip. In which case the question becomes, ‘What are they planning?’”
When asked whether she was planning anything, first-year and self described Organic Chemistry, 18th Century French Philosophy, and Itty Bitty Paper Crane Crafting triple-major Eva Better replied, “Hahahahahahahahahahahaha what? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”
She later elaborated, “Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about what we are or aren’t planning, or what exactly we needed Lovejoy for in the first place, or whether you can see a pair of unnaturally green eyes staring at you through your window while you sleep. It’s all cool. Woo, college!”
But Better’s nonchalance has not rubbed off on the rest of campus. Several students have taken to University confessions page ur_secretsafe to express their opinions, turning Root’s article into the subject of a heated debate.
“I was walking to class and a bunch of people with lanyards around their necks just started surrounding me with these weird grins on their faces,” wrote one student. “I didn’t get a good look, but I’m pretty sure that instead of regular eyes, they had billions of little eyes, like a fly. I considered asking for their names so I could file a CARE report, but then one of them started chanting something about summoning the ‘plant mother.’ I swore I’d never learn more biology after I finished my cluster, so I got the fuck out of there.”
Wrote another student, “Of course the social rejects are gonna want to control invasive fauna on their campus. You can’t control anyone but yourself. If you wanna live in fear and call pest control on our up-and-coming plant cult, go ahead, but some people want to make the most out of our time alive and use our proboscises to suck the blood out of your body in reverence of the Plant Mother (all blessings be to Her).”
Wow, such a diverse and varied dialogue on our campus! Nature is healing.