When you hear the name Jeffrey Runner, what do you picture? Perhaps if you are blessed to be so naïve, you might imagine a man named Jeff hoofing it around the track at Fauver Stadium or jogging along the sidewalk, as sweaty as a pre-med on Adderall during finals week.
Well, wake up sheeple!
The news media says that Jeffrey is a Runner, but we wanted to find out the truth for the benefit of this campus’s future. Has anyone even actually seen this man run?
We ran a poll, and, astoundingly, of the four people we asked, not a single person reported having ever seen Jeffrey Runner run. Really makes you think.
If you’ve got a killer instinct and can easily see through media lies, data like this might leave you with some unanswered questions. (Editor’s Note: We’re full of ‘em, too.) Ever wonder why the University’s COVID-19 policy updates are sometimes slightly delayed? Well, I can tell you this: Jeff Runner is certainly not speeding anything up by walking around all the time in his fancy suit like he’s made of URos.
That’s why you should join the movement to impeach Jeffrey Runner in favor of Jim Jogger. Because unlike Jeff “Runner,” a man that hardly anyone has seen run, Jim Jogger will be moving at a brisk, yet sustainable pace from building to building and tunnel to tunnel, drafting emails, managing finances, breathing rhythmically, and boldly seeking feedback from students and faculty on both his form and his forms. It’s all a numbers game, and Jogger has the (mile) time.
What the hell, we here at the Jogger campaign will put our money where our mouths are as we gather in anticipation of Jim’s sweat drippings under the T-shirt that he just finished a 10-miler in (never mind where we got it from). Tune in to our livestream this Saturday to see Jim Jogger in action. See him trot through the newly renovated Gleason. Watch him jog circles around every table in the Pit and both dining halls, unbothered by the powdery little underclassmen. You will see him ascending the flight of stairs toward Rush Rhees Library, and with your help, dear Yellowjacket, toward absolute — uh, I mean totally regular — power over AS&E.
On the quad at precisely 2 p.m., Jim Jogger will complete his campus tour and hoist his swollen, purple fists above his head in triumph as all who are present chant in unison “Run Home Runner.” Beautiful music that we all know and love will play in the background, maybe Bon Jovi or Queen. At this point, Jim Jogger will formally challenge Jeffrey the purported Runner to a long-distance race for the office of AS&E, winner takes all. Sure, according to “the facts” Jeff Runner has “prior experience” and “job qualifications.” But will he go the distance like Jim Jogger?
One last time, are you tired of administrative members having surnames that directly contradict their publicly observable behavior? We are. Let’s elect somebody that lives up to their surname. Let’s elect somebody that will make UR even sweatier than it already is. Let’s elect Jim Jogger. We’re sick and tired of the same old running for office — It’s time to start jogging for a change.