‘Dumb Ways To Die’: Rochester edition

We’ve all been getting a little nihilistic recently. It’s easy to look at your imminent deadlines wedged between you and the end of the semester, and feel like nothing will ever end, while wanting everything to end immediately. We over here at the Campus Times feel you, and one day in the office we kicked around the dumbest ways to die at UR. When you’d do anything to finish the semester immediately, that suspiciously undercooked chicken from the Pit doesn’t start to look half bad.  

Editor’s Disclaimer: These are all intrusive thoughts that we are providing you with for the purpose of hilarity and satire. Do not try any of these at home.

1. Get swept away by wind on Eastman Quad, never to be seen again.
2. Overdose by snorting a cream puff from Connections.
3. Fall off the top of the Nipple of Knowledge after an illegal midnight summit. 
4. Get trapped in the hidden pool in Sue B. Nobody can hear you scream.
5. Die of fright from a tag-team haunting by Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass.
6. Inject mel sauce directly into your veins.
7. Contract salmonella from a chicken sandwich at The Grill.
8. Drown in work.
9. Get COVID-19 from an unsanctioned Greek life mixer, don’t fill out your Dr. Chatbot, and don’t report it to anyone to avoid getting gulaged in Whipple Park. 
10. Get hypothermia by getting locked out of your residential hall without your ID and having to wait hours for the annoyed Department of Public Safety officer who will let you in.
11. Try to run across the Genesee while it looks completely frozen, and fall through a thin patch of ice.
12. After too much coding, get sick from all the Red Bull and mel sauce you’ve been drinking. In a coding-induced haze, tell MERT that your blood type is C++, then pass out before you can say anything else.
13. Get attacked by one of the monkeys from the Brain and Cognitive Science labs in Meliora Hall.
14. Get a concussion from forgetting to tie your hammock as securely as you thought on Eastman Quad.
15. Die of alcohol poisoning because you were too scared of getting in trouble to call MERT.