I spent a whole year living in Susan B. Anthony Hall. You’d think there’d be no problem with laundry in a building with two laundry rooms, but somehow you can LOCK YOURSELF IN THE BASEMENT. Then it’s just you, the GODDAMN SPURRIER GHOSTS, and a basket full of laundry at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday. Who sneaks into laundry rooms through haunted basements? No one. That’s who. And why do you have to swipe to stare at the washing machines? So that they can put -0.25 cents on my card? It’s like they want to taunt us with the soul-crushing debt we’ll be facing the second we get out of this place. You can’t figure out how to make the washing machine turn on with a button but you can figure out how to lock me out of my dorm when I go to change it? 

But Sue B. spoiled me compared to living in Hoeing. This ever better little hellhole has everything: antiquated furnishings for the so-called “aesthetic,” cockroaches, and dodged ADA compliance in the form of four meliora-mandated flights of stairs for every laundry load. It’s like the architects who designed this school actively hate disabled people. And yeah, that was probably in vogue in the ’60s, but come on, you couldn’t have decided to hate bricks instead? Then I would’t live in my first fucking Minecraft house from fourth grade right now. Brick cube ass building.

Then you talk to people who live in Phase. They get to go up and down EVEN MORE STAIRS. (Again, fuck the handicapped.) And then when you get down into MORE HAUNTED TUNNELS you get 12 washing machines for the whole GOD-DAMNED AREA. There are six buildings with four floors and 20+ people per floor. That’s 12 laundry machines for 500 people. I hope nobody’s breaking guest policy to get laid, because there’s not a chance in hell they’ll ever get to wash those sheets. 

None of that, however, is the most ridiculous and inane part of the idiotic laundry planning on this campus. No. The worst part is the ONE-TO-ONE RATIO OF WASHERS TO DRYERS. Washing machines usually take roughly HALF an hour. 30 minutes. Dryers usually take twice that time. That’s right, an entire hour. If eight people in Hoeing want to do their laundry at the same time, the first four can put their laundry in, wait 30 minutes, then move it to the dryer. Then the next four can use the washer.

AND LET THEIR CLOTHES SIT AROUND WET AND FUCK THEM UP BECAUSE THERE AREN’T ANY DRYERS FOR ANOTHER HALF HOUR. THERE SHOULD BE TWICE AS MANY DRYERS AS WASHING MACHINES; A SECOND GRADER COULD FIGURE THAT OUT. WHAT THE FUCK. I JUST WANT CLEAN CLOTHES, I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO FIST FIGHT PEOPLE FOR PUTTING MY CLOTHES ON TOP OF THE DRYER 30 SECONDS AFTER IT’S DONE BECAUSE THEIR CLOTHES HAVE BEEN DONE FOR 30 MINUTES. 



Candidate profile: William Bothe & Zach Sussman

Voting starts April 13 at noon on CCC.

New quad animal reported, dubbed QuadScrat

From the Humor section: Outside, the squirrel clung tenuously to that skinny branch, jaw clamped on his acorn. Then came the wind. Rochester wind.

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Everyone loves a late night Insomnia delivery, and the sweet sensation that comes with biting into a gooey cookie at 1 am, but not all cookie choices are created equal.