On Tuesday, March 23, UR replaced the Coronavirus University Restart Team (CURT) with a new committee called CURT420. This new committee was also expanded to include virus professionals such as Anthony Scaramucci, Snoop Dogg, Da Baby, and Dick Cheney, who pledged to get UR back on its feet.
Administration sought to reorganize CURT following a failure to properly test students, especially noticeable in comparison to nearly every other local college within the 99 mile travel radius. The new committee will contain 420 leading virus and disease epidemiologists, in addition to several administrators, who will work together to fast track UR’s permanent and complete reopening.
The announcement of CURT420 accompanied the removal of UR’s old coronavirus guidelines requiring mask use indoors at all times. This shift came in favor of updated guidelines which allow students to forgo the mask all together if they commit to smoking one pack of cigarettes per day.
“This is great because we already have had the vaccine,” sophomore Betsy DeVirus told the CT. “Why would anyone let Big Pharma into their body when a few ciggies work just fine?”
Policies like the cigarette expansion are part of CURT420’s scientific approach to getting a grip on the pandemic. Lisa Brown, a leader on CURT420’s disease spread task force and board member of Philip Morris International, cited a French study which concluded that smokers were less likely to get COVID-19.
“Simple solutions such as encouraging smoking will protect students and slow the rush on our nation’s vaccine supply; it’s a win win,” Brown told the CT.
The expanded CURT420 committee will have expanded power to unilaterally impose its will upon UR students and the greater Rochester community. In a move to demonstrate its power, they voted to raise tuition by 7%, citing various expenses such as the new “UR Broke” application: a mobile app for students to pay their tuition to the University, removing that functionality from the already incredibly dysfunctional UR Student.
“UR Broke will allow students to rapidly incur debt and help us to expand the endowment,” Scaramucci said at Tuesday’s address. He also addressed the issues of “anti-Italian descrimination” and pledged to use his position on CURT420 to advocate for Italians. Other leaders voiced optimism for the committee.
Dick Cheney promised to take University deans on a hunting expedition to “build a strong leadership team” and foster a “sense of family” to help the committee act more effectively.
CURT420 will have a public meeting next week to discuss a new round of proposals, which may include a ban of Hydro Flasks from campus due to health concerns.