In a shocking turn of events, one of UR’s row boats has gotten stuck in the Genesee River. UR doesn’t have row boats, you say? Well, I don’t know what to call the boats that the crew team uses. The boat is currently wedged across the river right under the footbridge. 

Efforts to free the boat are ongoing, but are hindered by multiple factors. Neither Facilities nor the Department of Public Safety have boats, so the Navy ROTC program volunteered their students. Unfortunately, those students all argued that this was a Coast Guard issue, and went out drinking instead.

There have been attempts to have Public Safety and Facilities employees paddle board to the boat and pull it into place, but they were impeded by migratory geese which knocked them into the river, where they became mutant fishpeople.

 The current plan is to have the Mechanical Engineering students design tugboats to pull the larger boat into place. 

According to UR Athletics, the rowboat became stuck when one of the rowers pulled a muscle and was unable to keep the boat straight. This has been called into question, however, by the rowers themselves. “We were trying to draw a dick in the river with some bubbles,” said junior Tim Thompson.

Though it is uncertain how long the rowers will be stuck there, students passing by on the footbridge have been tossing them matzoh and sausages so they can sustain themselves. “We considered dropping soup, but then we were worried about the geese stealing it,” said sophomore Jynyfyr Smyth. 

What’s left of SA has enquired into how students might be able to help free the boat, but reached a simple conclusion: Boat’s stuck. Can’t help.

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DPS now responds to text messages

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