In these unprecedented, never-before-seen, new, foreign, unexplored times of quarantine, it’s more important than ever to remember that humans are social creatures.
This means this pandemic is not only interfering with every socially-constructed concept of our society, it’s interfering with our basic evolutionary programming!
With that being said, it’s still completely, totally, 100% possible, so here are 10 ways to make friends during a pandemic (Hint: #4 will SHOCK you):
Stalking Close subject surveillance
The time the world has spent in quarantine has seen many more social changes beyond those directly caused by the pandemic. What’s one more? The “law” calls it stalking, but rebranding fixes everything because of very reasonable reasons but mostly because we say so; therefore, pick your future friend, and follow their every move. Learn their habits, their preferences, their routines, their life. Learn them, and they will be enamored with you. They don’t know it yet, but they will. They WILL!
Make eye contact
Eye contact? Is it really that easy? Sure is! Maintain sharp, intense, eye contact with someone in the vicinity for as long as it takes them to approach you. Chances are they will eventually, so don’t be too impatient with this method. Everyone takes different lengths of time to warm up to people, so don’t be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone and into theirs!
Get a dog
Do we really have to explain this one? Pandemic, schmandemic, no internationally-threatening virus can come close to rivalling the power of a good boy (yes you are, such a good boy!). Purchase a lifelong commitment and people will flock to you with no regard for any silly regulations!
Talking to people!?
We know, we know. This sounds way too far fetched, but just listen. Despite the cumbersome measures that’ve been put in place, wearing a ghastly mask, washing your hands, working in bed, we think it just might be possible for people to work around them. It’ll take a lot of hard work, and this definitely isn’t for those who are looking for a quick fix to friendship, but if you follow the CDC guidelines, stay six feet away from people and make polite smalltalk whilst considering the safety of both of you, friendship could, just maybe, possibly, barely, begin to emerge. Like we said, be patient, and don’t expect it to work the first time around. It is a little far fetched!
Put notes in bottles
Why stop at bringing back the plague? We can throw it back even more. This method doubles as a fun DIY project. Take any bottle of your choice, preferably a classic clear glass one, glass with some browning around the bottom and enough cloudiness to add to the intrigue but not enough to completely obstruct the view to the inside, and put a cute lil’ note inside. Cast it into a body of water (no Logan, the puddle on your driveway from last night’s storm does not count, it will shatter. Yes it will, just — fine, do it, see what happens, I don’t care anymore), and wait to hear back. Is your address on it, will it ever be found, is this pointless? Wait and find out!
Impersonate a doctor
How do you get people to open up to you? Make them feel comfortable. And since we’re all faced with living a different sort of life, why not take your new life in a new direction that will allow you virtually unlimited access to people and their personal information? Pretending to be a doctor guarantees you one-on-one time with new friends, as well as a helpfully-lowered guard. Do yourself a favor and commit dangerous impersonation, it’s practically foolproof!*
Find a cure
#6 sound too easy? Up for more of a challenge? Why not do away with this whole pandemic completely? Find a cure and spread it internationally to achieve total immunity with no time constraints! This is a great way to get back to your normal, friend-filled life. We really don’t know why more people aren’t talking about this, but now you’re privy to a super special secret!
Sign up for Scientology newsletters
Feeling alone? We know. That’s why you’re here. Don’t worry, we can help. Our friends at the Church of Scientology would love to get to know you. Just check out their website to sign up to receive regular communication from them in the form of newsletters and various other methods.** We’ll keep you company. We promise. Join us. This is a great way to make tons of new friends and constantly meet new people, whether you want to or not!
We hope these 8 ways to make friends during a pandemic (#4 will SHOCK you) have been helpful, and we can’t wait to see the world full of thriving human connections once more!
*terms and conditions apply: the fool is you.
**legally, these other methods of communication cannot be disclosed in a publicly-available source. It’s Okay Though. Everything Is Okay. Trust Us.