Welcome to the CT’s latest advice column, UR Helped, from two sagely seniors who want to share their wisdom with the world. Students everywhere on campus need advice, but we felt that the poor souls on the Instagram page @ur_confessions_secrets were a great place to start. Here are two questions that we lifted verbatim from the confessions page, typos and all.
“How do u tell ur friend their S.O. is an obnoxious self-centered know-it-all who all their friends dislike?”
Let’s be real: Sometimes your friend’s partner flat out sucks. But if you think your friend is happy with this person, and it seems healthy from the outside, maybe it’s a you problem. It’s possible that you might just be jealous over the fact that your friend is taken and consequently spending less time with you. Or maybe it’s not. But before you confront your friend, you should identify what bothers you about this person. Are they condescending? Do they monopolize your friend’s attention? Does your friend seem like their soul is being slowly eaten by dementors? Do you want to say something because you’re annoyed, or because you’re worried about your friend?
While our friends are, in fact, adults who get to make their own decisions about who to date, we might naturally feel compelled to look out for them. After all, sometimes being infatuated with someone can render us ignorant of red flags. Once you’ve figured out exactly what’s wrong, and have decided it’s worth confronting, ask to speak with your friend privately and express that you are concerned about their relationship and/or well-being. They might be more willing to talk in a one-on-one setting rather than in a group. Make it clear that you respect their choices and autonomy, but also make it clear that you have been offended by their partner’s behaviour.
Your friend may not take it well, but the best you can do is let them know you care about them. Hopefully, it could lead to a change in how their partner treats you. If spending time with their S.O. continues to be difficult for you, it’s totally within your right to set that boundary and limit contact with them. After all, it’s your friend’s partner, not yours!
“I asked this girl to be my gf, with whom I’ve been talking and hanging out, and she said it could only work if the sex is good, so we are going to have sex once she arrives on campus. Is this normal? I have never been in a relationship and had sex once in my life, and that too was nearly three years ago. I really like this girl she’s simply the girl of my dream. I m really nervous. Idk what to do. Any suggestions?”
Generally speaking, relationships are more than sex, good or bad. If this girl’s deciding whether to date you based solely on sexual performance, we think you’ll need to think long and hard about whether that’s the kind of relationship you want and deserve. Sex is really personal, and we here at the CT aren’t qualified to tell you what will make you or your partner feel good. That’s a whole different kind of sticky situation, and unfortunately, we’re not a sex advice column.
It sounds like your partnership is already off to a rough start. Sex seems like her top priority, but it sounds like you value her for more than just her sexual performance, which means that you two may not be on the same page. There’s nothing wrong with engaging in a casual sexual relationship, but you need to ask yourself if that’s what you’re looking for. In order to have a healthy relationship, you’ll need to agree upon what you both want. If you want more than sex, we recommend communication: Bring the situation up with her, let her know that you really like her, and ask her what kind of relationship she’s looking for. “Girlfriend” means something different to everyone. You might be able to talk it out! But it’s also possible that you have totally different priorities. In that case, don’t push it. We understand really wanting to be with a specific person, but your needs are important. Why is the “girl of your dreams” someone who’s willing to throw you away just because the sex is bad? In fact, forget the idea of a “dream girl,” what’s your notion of a healthy and fulfilling relationship? These are questions only you can answer.