Dear President Mangelsdorf and whoever didn’t add me to the donor GC,

I’ve just found out that Rich E.D. Ette and his cabal of slightly richer than me friends were able to cut the line for the COVID-19 vaccine, while I seem to have been left out of the loop. Nobody told me there was a cutoff for illegal benefits, and it would have been nice to know considering my most recent donation of $150 and two black market kidneys seems to total only $5 net value under the apparent “official” vaccine “price.”

I am personally offended that I am not getting stuck in the arm as we speak. While I expect you to correct this by giving me both vaccines on the same day so I don’t have to wait, I also hope to be further compensated with a refund of the kidneys. Therefore I demand to be put at the top of the organ donor list as retribution to your organization. In addition to these demands, I want a full apology letter to be published. 

You big shot, entitled jerks don’t understand that I should be given everything I want when I want it because of my devotion to my alma mater. I spend well over $10 a month to support this university, and I expect a pat on the back and a jab in the arm in return. Please see the attached image for a diagram of what I expect (you will see a hyperrealistic image of me receiving the vaccine. I may have majored in Business, but I minored in Art). 

I hope you feel ashamed. I could have hidden in my grandma’s trunk and slept in a parking lot in Florida for less than I’ve donated to you, and still have gotten the vaccine. If you want to keep my support and prevent further angry Facebook posts, I expect to be immune to COVID-19 by noon Feb. 10.


Grant Methings, Class of 1983


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DPS now responds to text messages

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