In response to a series of complaints about October being cancelled, University President Sarah Mangelsdorf has announced a new “woke” initiative: #OctoberIsOverParty. Surveys of UR students show that October is the most abhorred month of the school year.

Reasons for this hatred include the prevalence of midterms at the beginning of the month, the significant drop in temperature as the month progresses, and the fact that “it wants to be September so bad but it can’t be.” In order to combat this negative connotation for the good of the student populace, #OctoberIsOverParty looks to repurpose cancel culture to bring the UR community together during one of the most polarizing times in history by “canceling” October and renaming the tenth month of the year to something more hip with the kids.

Immediately, many students had suggestions for replacement names. First-year Cassidy Christie advocated for “Spooktober, because it’s spooky month.” Another student, who elected to remain anonymous because she’s “pagan, but not the kind that celebrates Halloween,” suggested the name “Halloween because October is, in essence, just Halloween but worse.” Other notable suggestions included Tentober, Dectober, and Thotober (which would be unofficially preceded and succeeded by No Simp September and No Nut November, respectively).

As a result, the dominant element of this new initiative is a virtual suggestions box, which will be added as a fourth optional question on Dr. Chatbot for the entire month of October, starting on Oct. 8. The question, which will be asked by a pumpkin icon with a stethoscope, will prompt students to input their favorite potential names to replace October within a text box before submitting Dr. Chatbot for the day.

That data will then be processed and organized by popularity, and the top five names will be entered in a school-wide online vote (facilitated by mass Instagram stories) which will become accessible on Oct. 27. The resulting name will go into effect on Oct. 29 at midnight Australian Western Standard Time (AWST).

A [Name TBA] Month Celebration will be held throughout the day on Oct. 30. Signups for various events both on and off-campus will be listed on CCC as of Oct. 10, however nobody will be able to sign up, because the signups will be listed on CCC.

More major calendar-focused upheaval, such as changing November to Hendecavember and December to Dodecember, in accordance with more accurate Latin prefixes, or abolishing the entire calendar because time ceases to function on campus, will not be addressed during this survey period. However, if any questions or concerns arise, students can now email for more information and clarification.

Southside spiders seriously spook Stella

Imagine my displeasure upon finding a gargantuan, lustrous-rumped, gangly-legged, octo-eyed, bitch-ass orb weaver staring at me from its tiny nest of butt string.

Wake up sheeple!

Decked from head to toe in sheepskin vests, fluffy boots, and sheep-adorned masks, you’ll never guess what twist this group of FOX News viewers pulled on the “ridiculous CDC regulations.”

SADACA talks mass killings of Armenians in Artsakh

Last Friday, the Student Association for the Development of Arab Cultural Awareness (SADACA) hosted an event for organizers and attendees alike to discuss events currently happening in Artsakh and how people could get involved in helping Armenians and the people of Artsakh.