Everyone expected students to be upset that they wouldn’t be able to have guests in their rooms, but complaint files have been skyrocketing for a surprising reason. People want to show off their dorm room wall art, and FaceTime and Snapchat just aren’t doing the trick.

“I work really hard to curate an image, and this is really cramping my style,” said senior Armando Pérez. “I’m living in the Alpha Rho Tau house this year, and I really, really wanted my friends to see my Barstool flag. I have a fridge with a glass door so I can show off my Gennee creams, too! Now, nobody will see any of it.”

It’s not just Greek life that’s upset about it; actual Greek people are, too! “ποιος είσαι; Ασε με!” (which means: “This is a bad thing; I am upset about it.” I think. I asked Pérez, but apparently he doesn’t actually speak Greek.)

The source did not provide his name. Or maybe he did. I don’t speak Greek either.

Many first-years were also disappointed that they couldn’t share their decorations. “I don’t actually have any decorations,” first-year Cameron Barker said. “I could get some, but what’s the point? Nobody would see them.” Barker did acknowledge that his room gave off prison cell vibes, but apparently didn’t mind so much because it fit with his whole “aesthetic.” His roommate has a painting of soup, though, so that’s nice.

Students with decorations have been strategically angling their cameras during classes to show off as much of their room as they can, much to professors’ chagrin.

“I ask my students to turn on their cameras during class — because you can only talk into the void so much before they call you crazy — but instead I’m talking to everyone’s childhood friends and The Notorious B.I.G. wearing a crown,” Professor Arthur Tiste said. “I’m used to seeing their questionable fashion choices, but I wasn’t prepared for a lesson in abstract interior design. Entire rooms of just pink.  Cork boards. So many cork boards. Flags as far as the eye can see. The RAs really aren’t on top of the fire hazards this year, are they?”

Some students have taken their art underground, hosting illicit events in their dorm rooms to show off their walls. “Yeah, I figured it was pretty important that people see my room,” said Pérez. “I’ve been having people over at the house. I know we’re not supposed to, but I think the rule breaking just contributes to the artistry of my decor. Plus, drinking alone is just sad.”

 

Special thanks to Stelios Halioris for translation services.



Comic: UR sus

Failure to complete tasks results in expulsion from this school.

Latin American Studies department resolution passes SA

SA passed a resolution supporting the creation of a Latin American Studies department after hearing speeches from seven student advocates.

Buzzz-buzzz

They moved in packs, resembling clouds of yellow pain. Their intent: to drive students into buildings, away from campus center, and just generally insane.