The Campus Times is sad to report that the Centers for Disease Control has been found dead in Miami.

Wait, that can’t be right. [shuffles papers]

We apologize for the misprint: The CDCS has been found dead in Miami. Yes, the friendly course registration website which has served our student body for over a millenia has finally keeled over. Sound the trumpets, boys! 

Miami law enforcement found the system facedown in a drainage ditch after an extended spring break in Florida. It was rushed to the hospital where it later “cashed it in its chip,” to say the least.

Mourners will remember CDCS as a true embodiment of the University’s “Ever Better” philosophy, because improvements could always be made to the system. 

“CDCS played a pivotal role in my undergraduate career,” one student fondly recalls. “I remember my first time registering for classes. I had my entire schedule planned out, but when time came to register for my first public health class, CDCS would only display physics classes. No matter how many times I refreshed the page, no public health classes showed up: only physics. I ended up just going with it, and now I’m graduating with a degree in Chemical Engineering!” 

For another student, CDCS was a constant source of support throughout their undergraduate career. “I could always rely on CDCS to be unreliable. I made sure to camp out near CCAS when registering, and have an email to my advisor with the subject ‘CDCS Sucks’ ready in my drafts.”

Both mourning students were shocked when informed that, contrary to popular belief, students were never able to register for classes directly through CDCS.

For this writer, pulling the plug on CDCS is difficult because CDCS really helped me bond with my fellow classmates. I’ll always remember proudly adding my last workshop, refreshing the page, then realizing that CDCS had deleted my entire schedule. Several other students can confirm similar experiences.

Blackboard and BlueHive are reportedly glitching to honor CDCS’ memory. CDCS is survived by UR Student, which asks that the public please respect its privacy at this time. UR Student, looking to be helpful, would also like to remind everyone that student registration was last week. 

Make a mask a part of your Halloween costume

We’re doing so well keeping our campus open and free from outbreaks, but we’re one unmasked party away from shutting everything down.

Embracing the ‘crazy ex-girlfriend’

Feelings don’t just disappear after a breakup, and there shouldn’t be a time limit on their acceptability.

Wake up sheeple!

Decked from head to toe in sheepskin vests, fluffy boots, and sheep-adorned masks, you’ll never guess what twist this group of FOX News viewers pulled on the “ridiculous CDC regulations.”